The End of My Beginning

Part 1

I had never desired someone as much as I had him. He is the love of my life. So I had to ask myself, Why did I let him go? The answer to that question wasn't so simply explained. I could say I had thought it for the better, but that wouldn't say enough. I could say that I was planning the end of me, but that would give away too much. For, to put it simply, I had no clear reason for which I had pushed him away.

As my romance with the one I love blossomed, I had a constant sinking feeling that I would ruin everything. And as I reacted to this by, well, ruining everything, I suppose I was right. So, as I was unable to follow through, I continued on with life. Though looking back upon it, I wouldn't call it living. My heart was more fragile than ever. The slightest sway could send it crumbling into the wind. I had planned on dying, and so I did. Although not in the way you would expect. What was this to mean? Had I a gift of premonition? Could I only see so into the future that I would follow through with the visions in order to attempt avoidance? Isn't it ironic that I would destroy every chance at happiness in an attempt to gain such? These were the questions I had asked myself as I lay dying. And they progressively changed. They would soon become, Why had I not done it? WHY couldn't I just KILL MYSELF? Wouldn't it be so simple to just run into traffic? To throw myself into death's wide open arms? I had met my emotional death. Now I had simply but to let it all go.

But then as I saw him one day from the hall, I watched tears stream down his face as he spoke. And my heart had a slight sensation. I had been numb. What was this? Was it because he spoke of me that he released such emotions? Was I the cause of his suffering? HAD I DONE THIS TO HIM? To hurt myself was one thing, but to destroy the single being I held so dearly. I couldn't. I backed up. I backed out of the space and left the room behind. A long while later, he returned to a class we had shared. I eventually forced myself towards him. In front of him, despite my hesitations. He wanted nothing to do with me. Yet I was persistent. He must know. I must make him aware. I wanted him, I loved him more than anything.