The Connoisseur

Chapter 37 - Dream Big

‘So that is the only way.  Live with me.  Stay in this house.  Wander history with me.’

Was it the only way?  It had seemed so, at the time.  It still seemed so now, at least in part – but now came the doubt.

And on rushed those same old feelings that Sophia thought had passed on.  As she lay in bed, a torrent of hopes, dreams, and longings for far-off eras and cities and colours swept over her, as every memory of her time with Alexander flooded her mind at once.  At the centre of them all, there he stood.

This time, though, she did not see him as the tall, proud figure she always imagined him to be, standing high over the ages, familiar with them one and all.  She saw him with his head bowed, quiet, flitting from age to age in a bid to escape from those horrors she had seen at Ypres.  She saw beneath the layers, prying away the masks, and she saw the man she knew she had fallen in love with.  Oh god, she had loved him.  Did she still?

She cried, more in confusion than sadness.  What is this that I’m feeling, she thought, as the storm raged once more?  Anger?  Regret?  Deepest, truest love, or an echo of it, soon to fade?  What do I want?  Him, or history?

What does he want?

She went rigid.  It had been three month since they’d parted, and she hadn’t asked herself that question once.  What does he want?  What does he need?

The questions piled up and up and up.  When the tide of emotion abated Sophia knew that it would be back, and that it would constantly sweep in and out of that hollow space in her conscience for the rest of her life, unless she found the answers.

*

Hey.  Was thinking about you.  I’d like to talk.  Ring me back?  S x

Two days later, she had had no reply.  It took her another two days to muster up the courage to ring him.

“The number you have called has not been recognised.”

She tried again, to no avail.  If anything, the recorded message sounded colder than before.

It took her a moment to realise that she had no other way of contacting him.  He wasn’t online.  They didn’t have mutual friends, not living ones at least.  An address?  ‘The Palace, Any Door, Anywhere’?

She panicked, running her hands through her hair as her thoughts raced.  It didn’t last for long.  Without that phone number, he was gone.  There was no other way of reaching him.  She fell into a slump.  The only way they would speak now, she knew, was if he came back.

*

Life went on - a few days later she finished her dissertation.  It was three days before the deadline, and in a week’s time her parents were arriving to help her move out, back down to her old room at home.  The goodbyes were already beginning.

“You’ll have to come and see me soon,” said Julie, as they shared one last cup of tea.  Sophia’s housemate had packed all her bags and was ready to depart.  “I’m going to need so much help planning the wedding, especially if I get this job.”

“I’ll be there, don’t you worry.  When’s the interview again?”

“Friday.”

“Wow, you’ve got even less time to prepare than I thought.  But you’ll ace it.  None of the others stand a chance.”

“Thanks.”

They sipped at their tea in silence for a few moments. 

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” said Julie.  “Four years we’ve been here.  Is it actually that long?”