{one last breath}

chapter one

“ it seems like you are struggling with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. Do remember that you’re not alone. I’m always here for you if needed.”

that night, my parents received a call that caused everything to turn upside down. the call was unexpected. those counseling sessions were supposed to be a secret from them. i knew that if they found out, things would only get worse. but yet, here i am. the shouts and screams of my parents. the sound of things being thrown around. the shattering of a piece of glass.

"we've given you everything! what makes you think you have the right to feel this way? let alone have… those thoughts?! all we ask is that you work hard and get over 95 for your exams! it's not that hard! unless you're telling me you're weak?"

weak.

that word echoed in my brain. was i really weak? was i weak for feeling like i do? like how a "normal" person does?

it was usually after these moments, that the piano was the most comforting to me. the notes of the piano would relax my mind and chase those thoughts away. it was always when i was alone with the piano, that i felt most at peace.

time seemed to stop as i played the piece, "merry go round of life". i was caught up in the happy sounding notes of the piano. it was like i was running in a field of daisies, a breeze passing lightly, the flowers and grass flowing in the same direction. the sun warm and sunny. butterflies fluttering around me.

but that vision ended as the piece came to a close. with the ending of the piece, i was sucked back to reality. the thoughts came as i walked back to my room. 

I've been staring at the screen for around 2 hours now. papers spread out across the table. stationery everywhere, and too many tabs open on the computer. far too many to even count.

i blink and rub my eyes. over and over. but i continue on. it doesn't matter what happens. whether i get sick, whether i feel tired. as long as i get a high score on tomorrow's paper. if not, it would be a failure that will remain etched in the memories of my parents. and worse of all, mine.

if i don't get praised tomorrow. if i don't see my parents smiling at my score. if i get below 95. then it wouldn't be an A*. it would be an A. a failure in the eyes of my family. God forbid i get below 95.

do not let me be nothing.

"good job! you scored highest in the class again!" my teacher praises. my heart doesn't feel as heavy anymore. i clutch my papers gratefully.

as long as i get over 95. nothing else matters.

so why do i have this feeling? like being pulled into an abyss. am i only worth my marks?