The coldness of emotions

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i do not know how to write a beautiful poem
about the way their hands tore my body to pieces
as it was property for everyone to tread
i have spent hours and days and months and years trying to understand
how my no in their ears sounded like a:
"look at me touch me destroy me"
a few minutes that in their lives seem insignificant
changed everything in mine

i spent so much time undermining my experience
i was not raped so i do not deserve to call my experience
sexual assault
because it wasn't that severe
i was drunk and gave them compliments in an attempt to save the situation
i said 'no' and 'you're probably some really sweet boys' in one and the same sentence
i said 'i have a boyfriend' and 'do not touch my breasts' in a breath
eventually, i said yes to walking away with one of them
because one is easier to comprehend than five
one is easier to try to fight off than five

i hate myself every single day for being so drunk that day
but i was celebrating my graduation week
and i had just won in a round of beer pong in the company of my best friends
shortly before that i was kissing my boyfriend and telling him how much i loved him
before he had to go home
and the warmth from the alcohol just made the whole moment more ecstatic
but i was drunk
and i do not remember their faces
i remember how wrong their hands felt against my breasts and ass
i remember the claustrophobic feeling of being surrounded by them
i remember how alone i felt in the middle of a giant lawn surrounded by happy people
and i remember repeating that i had a boyfriend about ten times
you asked how loyal i was to him while you touched my body
i laughed and pushed your hands away while i answered 'very'
and all i wanted in that moment was to be in his arms again

even though i loved the outfit i wore that day 

i still
sold the pants when i got home
and threw the sweater into the back of the closet

never to be seen again