NEVER SPLIT THE PARTY: The Adventures of the Creeping Bam (BOOK 1: The Job)

CHAPTER THREE: ART

This sure is a nice place this fancy wizard bloke's got here. Hocknar's not the nicest place in the world at the best of times, 'specially for a lad from Untermer, and since we're heading headlong into the winter now it's gonna get a good deal more unpleasant pretty soon, but this is proper cosy. There's a fire burning in a hearth in the middle of the wall off to the side though I'll be damned if there's a chimney in here to take away the smoke, but it's nice and warm all the same. I sink real deep down into the big leather chair and it's all I can do to keep myself from curling up into a ball, reckon putting my feet up on the upholstery's probably not the most polite thing to do right now. Looking to my right I see Krakka in another one of these big deep armchairs, and he looks almost lost in it, his spindly corvid feet just dangling out in the air the way he's sitting. It's all I can do not to laugh out loud at that.

We've laid our weapons down on the floor beside our chairs, but it's not from any request to disarm ourselves, just in deference to these soft, slightly squeaky cushions. I'd feel proper naked if I hadn't drawn the line at all my knives, still secure in their various scabbards and holsters all over me. So many even I'm hard pressed to remember 'em all sometimes.

This fellow Clearwood's an odd one too. He's got a fancy way of talking, a lot like Gael so I'm not surprised thinking they clearly came from the same general place, but given what I know of them he's still a total conundrum. I think I like him, but I can't be sure. Maybe he's just a little too smooth, maybe that's what it is.

Still, can't fault him on his choice of beverages, smelling that tea as he brings it over. "Four lumps, as requested, Master ... I'm sorry, would it be Master Shadows? Master of the Shadows, perhaps. I'm sorry to admit I've not had many dealings with bakaneko before."

"Oh no, just Art's fine, guv." I take the proffered cup and saucer from him in my paws with due care, instantly nervous realising this is some bloody fine porcelain this tea's in. "Never had any use for ceremony, myself."

"Master Art." Clearwood beams that incredible smile of his again. "Excellent. Enjoy."

As he walks back to the end-table supporting one of the most extravagant tea-and-coffee making set-ups I've ever seen, conveniently short enough to accommodate his halfling dimensions, I give the cup a good whiff. The nose-full of exotic southern scents is enough to set my head spinning a little, quite miraculous really. I let out a little whimper at the quality, I just can't help it.

"How is it?" Kesla asks, sat to my left at the near end of a couch massive enough to seat four with room to spare, giving her own cup a good stir with one of the fiddliest silver teaspoons I've ever seen. It takes me a moment to realise there's one on my saucer too.

"Bloody incredible." I blow across the surface of the tea, then after a moment the scent wafts back over me again. Thankfully I don't drop it. I give it a little stir and try not to clatter about too much as I lift the cup in my paw, blowing again. I take a sip, and my mind nearly explodes. "Oh my gods ..."

"That good, eh?" Kesla smiles, finally lifting her own cup to her lips. After a sip her eyelids flicker a touch, and she breathes: "Thorin ... you're right, this is incredible."

"Master Krakka." Clearwood passes out another cup and saucer and our cleric looks down at it, something of a frown forming across his face as he realises that the way he's sat means he's stuck with it until he's finished. I swear I can smell subtly burning feathers as he tries to work out what to do.

"Mistress Toll, I'm most pleased to meet you." Clearwood passes another cup and saucer to Yeslee, perched carefully on the couch beside Kesla, clearly unsure how to conduct herself in these refined surroundings. I don't blame her, this is way too fancy for the likes of us. "I so seldom get to interact with a former citizen of Tektehr without all the baggage of the Occupation coming between us."