Saying those words, I'm never going to live without him can be so strong. Usually it is said in the moment, like those magical three words. I know at this moment that when looking over his casket, that I could never live without him. My one love of my life is gone, with his young lifeless body cascaded in flowers in a dark box. I stared down at the pale lifeless body as tears started to roll down my cheeks and on his favorite suit. The same suit that he was wearing on our wedding night.
I remember that night like it was yesterday, dancing the night away with my handsome new husband. I remember my blonde hair flying back as we ran out on the balcony, wanting to get away from the party and chaos, to just be alone in our presence. Kissing him that night in the cool October air was beautiful, his brown eyes never leaving my blue eyes. That was the first night he ever said "I love you" to me, and meant it in the fullest way. I remember smiling like an idiot and talking the night away about everything from our family to our childhood loves. Laughing at every word that left his mouth, and seeing his eyes light up to seeing my happiness he caused, and the sadness.
I put my cold hand on his lifeless face as a stray tear fell on his now pale lips. His lips that used to kiss mine goodnight.
"Keep walking love." I looked up and turned around to see who was talking to me, but there was no one. I choked down more tears, knowing that the first way to heal was to forget, and I promise myself that I will forget him. I kept walking but never taking my eyes from him, my one true love that this was never supposed to ever happen to. Twenty seven was to young to be sleeping the rest of your eternity in a casket. I planned on being laid down next to him on that day, not watching him from the outside. I let my hand go over my eye, wiping away any left over tears as I sat down in the darkest part of the room. I saw relatives walk by giving me looks of pity and sadness as they kept walking. I didn't want to talk to anyone about this, I would only want to talk to him, but that would never happen again. I sat there alone in that empty funeral home for what felt like a full lifetime. Finally I was told to leave, go home and get closure.
"Honey, you just need to rest." Was all my "loving" mother had to say to me. I stared at my feet as I felt her words stab me like a knife. I didn't answer, not wanting to talk to that wretched woman.
"Cynthia, you need to go home and think." I didn't want to think about anything, it hurt too much to do that. "Could I have a hug?" I looked up at my mother whose false smile burned through me like razors. Her smile immediately faded away as I started my long walk to the door leading away from him. The farther I walked, the farther I'd be away from him. I kept my eyes locked on the door as I walked out and into my car. I sat there and stared out the window, watching the flower bed. It looked like the one where he kissed me the first time when we were six.
"Isaiah, can you sing me a song?" I asked with a goofy smile on my face as he ran to my side.
"Okay!" He said with joy. "What song?"
"That song we heard today on the radio." I said showing off all of my buck teeth. He then giggled and started to sing the tune of that very song.
"Each morning I wake up I die a little," He sang giving me a cute look as he continued. "Can barely stand on my feet. Take a look in the mirror and cry, lord what to you doing to meat."
"Meat?" I asked in a high voice.
"Ya, isn't that the line?" He asked in a vulnerable voice. I let out a hysterical laugh before regaining myself to the real world.
"No silly it's me, not meat." He blushed the shade as the roses surrounding us.
"I like meat, but I love you." He said before running over to me, kissing my small pink lips and then running back inside his mother's house. That was the day I fell in love with the meat liking boy.
