New Beginnings

Chapter 32 - Too Late, Just In Time

He had never realised just how long a week could last.

Keeping his eyes on the ground to prevent them from wandering to clocks or calendars or anything that would remind him of the passage of time Espio kept his arms tightly crossed, having placed himself at his usual spot near the lockers under the guise of meditating. Vector and Charmy surely had long figured out that that was a lie: even in his depressed state the chameleon knew his boisterous co-workers would realise he never meditated with his eyes wide open and fingers digging into his elbows and the tenseness of his posture he had not been able to shake even after seven nights of sleep. But between the grief and dullness holding him in its grasp still he had deemed it wise to take a moment to recollect his thoughts, though immediately afterwards he had had to fight down the urge to keep moving at the same time, every second spend thinking a reminder of his failure, of the one person his heart longed for, the one-

Flinching up as he realised he had sunken into his spiralling thoughts again Espio ignored the sympathetic look Vector sent his way, the mere thought of talking about his feelings with anyone making his teeth grit and his posture tense even more. He would figure this out himself, like he always tended to do; he doubted the others would understand in the first place. But the crocodile and the bee felt for him, he was well aware, and their friends did also... but while their sympathy was appreciated, more often than not it left him cold, and he hated himself for it. They were hurting too, they missed Silver all the same, and yet somehow they had gotten better over the past seven days. He knew Amy had cried when Sonic told her, and Tails had grieved also, and the speedster most of all three. Rouge and Shadow had offered their sympathies, Knuckles had been disappointed he never got to make up with the psychic, Cream had said she and her mother and the Chao would miss him... but they were all happy again, or at least they had returned to normal. Sonic was still going on adventures and Amy was still chasing after him, Tails was still tinkering and GUN still had jobs and the Emerald still needed to be protected, and at the same time it felt like Espio himself had been frozen in time, watching them from far away and unable to join no matter how much he wanted to... and he didn't want to at all, lest he forgot why he was hurting so much in the first place.

Life had gone on, slowly everyone was getting used to living without Silver, and yet he had been unable to do the same.

But that wasn't how things worked, he knew. He'd have to get over it eventually and be happy too and resume life just the same, the chameleon grumbled inwardly, pushing any thought of Sonic's demureness and their younger friends' grief and more mature acquaintances' quiet sympathy out of his mind. Instead he turned his attention to a stain decorating their tatty wooden floor, removing any thought about the future from his mind in favour of studying something in his surroundings. Said blemish on their wooden floor was brownish and not very remarkable, though Espio blinked at the image of red blood adoring soft grey fur that jumped up in his mind for a fraction of a second as he studied it. The stain wasn't even a blood stain, he recognised it as a coffee leftover from an unfortunate journey one of their cups had gone on once... Narrowing his eyes he stopped himself from dragging a hand over his face and pushed away the lump of emotion rising up in his throat. Was he truly doomed to see Silver in everything, be reminded of his loss no matter what he did to distract himself? Rationally he knew making peace with something was not the same as forgetting, but emotionally the mere thought of not hurting anymore made him grimace in protest... He didn't know what to do with himself.

You'll never forgive yourself if you are too late and you lose him, Sonic's voice helpfully rose up in his mind, and the chameleon grimaced as he pushed it firmly towards the collection of other thoughts and memories he wished he could just banish entirely. He couldn't blame Sonic for what had happened, he could not blame anyone but himself – the mere thought of blaming Silver for leaving made him recoil in horror – but it would be very helpful indeed if the memories of the speedster and his warnings would just shut up for a change. All his talks about loss and love and time paradoxes that had led to nothing... The fact that it had led to nothing because Silver was no longer here made him hold himself only more tightly.