painting haruka (on hold)

serendipity

april 14th, 2016

i was completely and utterly wrong. she really was serious when she said she hoped to meet again soon. she's been texting and calling me all the time! she keeps asking me if i want to meet her. i haven't gotten the time to even finish my school work. i felt bad not answering her and all, but i just don't feel like getting caught up in something i don't want to have anything to do with. but, the thing is-at least i think-i do want to want to have to do with her. everything has been divergent to what i thought it would be since i met her. i did say i wasn't going to deny my feelings-and i won't-but i just don't know how to deal with all these new emotions. i don't even know her that well! i lean my head back, and do what i do best. stare at the ceiling.

okay, i've decided. i hop out of the bath and wrap the towel around my body. i look at myself in the mirror. i think back to when she said i was interesting. "interesting?" i laugh to myself. i know what to do now. i'll see her sometime after school. i put on a hazel tank top and gray sweatpants. i live alone because my mother is overseas for business and my brother lives with his wife. i don't mind it at all, though. my friends can come over whenever they want, and i can eat whatever i want. oh, i forgot to mention my father. mom says he left when i was born. i've never had any bad feelings about it, because i've never even met him. no emotional attachment, i guess. mom had always described him as quiet and brilliant. mom said he is kind of like me, at least, about his devotion to art. mom used to show me his artwork a lot. he painted abstracts, which sparked my interest in art. i started drawing little landscapes from my imagination, and eventually mom had the money to buy me an easel. i wasn't tall enough to use it when i first got it, so i compelled myself to wait until i was tall enough. i painted drawings of whatever i found slightly intriguing. i longed to draw landscapes, but i wanted to be completely professional about it, so waiting until i was older was a good way to solve it. i started painting more and more. it soon became my hobby. painting is like a way to gather up all of your emotions and splatter them all together, mom recited dad once. on my 11th birthday, mom measured me and said that i was finally tall enough. i had waited 3 years for this moment. in my backyard, we used to have a medium-sized cherry tree. i figured it was a good way to start, so mom helped me set up the easel and i began to paint it with all different shades of colors. i won't deny it, i was a pretty proud eleven-year-old back then. but, nowadays, i think i've lost my spark. of course i still paint and enjoy it, but something's different. it's not as good, i guess. i'm not as proud as i used to be. nothing inspires me as much anymore. i always paint the same things. about a week ago, when i painted haruka, that was my first time ever drawing a person. i kind of liked it. all of her features are pretty easy to draw, not too complex. i'm not calling her simple-looking. she's all together pretty attractive. i think i enjoyed painting her. i cook up some ramen noodles and sit criss-cross on the couch. i turn on the tv and get out my phone. 4 more texts from haruka. great. if she keeps this up i won't have any more storage space on my phone. i reply 'we can meet tomorrow afternoon, 3 o'clock sharp. i go to roseway, look it up on google maps. text me when you're there, i'll come find you. goodnight." and it says she read it. she responded by saying "oh, cool! i will! can't wait!' and then she sent a smiley face emoji. "pfft," i laugh quietly. she's either desperate or just tacky as it is. her way of typing in no way relates to the way she speaks. she's so enthusiastic when it comes to texting, however when she speaks its cool and mellow. it's always fascinating to me to find out the kind of typer somebody is. i watch a couple episodes of this show my friend from school reccomended to me called "aida". at one point, two girls kiss. i find myself pretty uncomfortable. i've barely ever felt awkward alone, so this is pretty odd for me. i immediately start imagining the two girls as me and haruka and my face turns red hot. "this is ridiculous," i mutter. i turn off the tv, put the bowl in the dishwasher and stomp off to bed. maybe i can reject her in a way that won't leave her depressed, because i can't continue on like this.