'tis the damn season

TEN

It is oddly cold and quiet behind the curtains of the stage. There are small whispers being passed around the school's auditorium and they do no more than send chills up and down Trixie's arms. I want this, I want to be here , she thinks to herself as she takes a peek at the audience from behind the heavy fabric that separates the stage from the backstage. Before anyone notices, she recoils back to the darkness and runs her hands over her arms.

Trixie has always wanted to be a part of the Christmas play, why is she suddenly so nervous? She shakes her head and taps down her Mary costume, the blues and whites sticking a little too tightly to her belly, hips, and legs. For a kid who used to be so small, she grew very fast. She is the tallest girl in fourth grade, she's even taller than a few of the boys. Unfortunately, all of the costumes in the play were made for "average-sized" ten-year-olds, which Trixie is definitely not.

A rumble surges from her stomach as it twists in anticipation. She covers her mouth as she gags. Trixie wants to run to the bathroom, but there isn't any time for it. Mrs. Luzon has already given them the five-minute call. All she can do is wait for a tragedy to happen.

What if I throw up on the stage? She thinks. Her eyes widen and she places her other hand in front of her mouth. What if I throw up on baby Jesus ? This is getting worse by the minute. Can she still back down? If she passes out they won't force her to be part of the play, but who else will know her lines? Ugh. She shouldn't have signed up. It almost steals a snicker from her, a distorted kind of snicker that would gruntle the saddest little part of her brain. How could she ever think, even for a second, that she would ever be able to be an actress? She can't even step on the stage at her school's Christmas play!

"Trix?" A friendly voice calls out from behind her. Trixie turns around just in time to see Katya in her ridiculously shiny star costume. Besides the glitter, there are literal fairy lights attached to it. "Oh, no. Are you freaking out?" She nods. "Do you want me to go get Mrs. Luzon?"

"N-no, I..." Water stings her doe eyes as it threatens to spill down her cheeks. "I'm scared."

Katya purses her lips in understanding. "I want to hug you, but..." The star carcass moves in what would resemble a shrug as the girl's arms are spread open following the shape of her costume. She waves her hands at each end. It would have made Trixie laugh on any other day, but today it only pulls a concerned sigh out of her. "Also I'm not allowed to touch anyone because I can be a fire lizard."

"Hazard," Trixie corrects.

Katya rolls her eyes and then sticks her tongue out, mimicking the animal. Trixie's smile escapes before she even has the time to notice.

Turning to the side so she is able to touch her friend's shoulder, Katya smiles back. "You have nothing to be scared of," she encourages Trixie. "It'll be just like when we play pretend, but... Christian."

"And in front of a million people!" Katya pauses for a second. Her fair eyebrows dance around her forehead. "What?"

"Can I tell you a secret?" She asks with a mischievous tone. Trixie nods. "If you were an adult..."

"Ew," Trixie frowns.

"I know, I know... But if you were an adult, what would you be worried about?"

"Um..." It takes Trixie a moment. "Well... Having a job. Being mugged. The government."

"Is our Christmas play anywhere on that list?" Trixie shakes her head.

"I don't get it..."

"The only people in the audience are parents, right? At most, they'll look at their own kid. They don't care about you, they care about... Driving! I don't know, whatever." Katya's eyes are the size of the universe as they dig into Trixie's. "Nobody will be paying attention to you."

A sharpness reaches her heart. "Wait... Nobody? Then... What am I even doing here?"

"Not nobody, nobody , you know... I will." Trixie's frown remains untouched. "I have nothing else to do other than stand at the back of the stage and watch you nurse a doll and call it 'savior'. I'll just look at you the whole time."

Trixie's expression finally melts into what could be read as satisfaction. "So the only ones watching me will be my mom, my dad, my brother, and you?"

Katya nods. "And your brother is so stupid he won't even understand what is happening."

"He's not stupid, he's a baby!"

"He doesn't even know how to use the toilet!" Katya argues. "Hey, why don't we kidnap him and use him as baby Jesus instead?"

Trixie giggles. "We could but he kinda looks like a knee. Jesus is supposed to be a cute baby."

"That's why he's a myth. Cute babies don't exist!"

The girls laugh, Trixie's shoulders loosening and her chest rising up and down quickly with the snickers. Behind them, Mrs. Luzon gives the last call for everyone to get in their places and Katya runs off to her spot. From where she stands she mouths "just me and you" to Trixie, who nods back at her with a smile. It earns her a thumbs up.

During the play, as the stage lights burn through her sheer costume and blind her a little bit, she doesn't flinch or hesitate once. There are a couple dozen eyes watching her, and while the thought did give her bone-chilling stage fright right before the play, now it means nothing. When all of her classmates join together for the final song, she looks straight at the shiniest star and they share a knowing smile. Trixie knows that nobody else sees her quite like Katya does.