The Puppetmaster's Handbook

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I pull the car into a space and cut the engine. My heart is hammering and I take a deep breath to calm down. It's strange. I've known Javi my entire life, longer actually, if you count the fact that our mothers were friends before we were born, but it doesn't matter. Knowing I'm going to see him now, that we'll have a few minutes together, just the two of us, our shoulders a foot away in the car, is almost too much to bear.

I haven't seen him in person for months, which probably accounts for most of my excitement. I close my eyes and take a few more slow breaths. It's the first day, Sasha, don't make a fool of yourself. I open my eyes and check my watch. It's two minutes past the end of his shift. Great, he should be out any second.

The afternoon sun pours into the car and my muscles start to relax. I'm still not used to being warm. I've only been back in the country three days, and the first was spent mostly in airports. Perhaps early Illinois summers aren't that warm to most people here, but it's tropical compared to what I'm used to.

My eyelids blink slowly in the bright light, soaking it in like a cat. Red brick wall, fire-red eyelid, red brick wall, fire-red eyelid...

My pocket buzzes and I start awake. I swear in another language, probably French, and rub my face. I must have fallen asleep. I check my phone.

Auntie Priya: Where are you??

Ah, shit. Two question marks is not good. I've been napping over twenty minutes. I weigh my options. I could just take the hit myself and be honest about nodding off, but then she probably wouldn't think it's safe for me to drive.

Auntie Priya: Is everything OK???

I send a quick message about getting Javi right now and open the car door. I've got to collect him fast or there'll be hell for him to pay.

For a second when I get out I'm disoriented and forget which side of the building I parked on. It's the town on my birth certificate but I hardly know it at all. I pick a direction I think is toward the entrance and walk quickly.

Overprotective, my parents are not, but I'm used to navigating around Javi's mother for him. As hard as she is on him, she's just as sweet and doting to me, so I run interference for him whenever I can.

I start to hear voices as I get closer to the corner.

Mostly one voice, that I don't know, and it's angry.

"You think I care about that? The only thing that matters is profit: how much and where it's coming from, or where it's NOT coming from, and when inventory is missing, can you guess where the profit is not coming from?"

I round the corner and there he is. Jesus, he's beautiful.

He's grown his hair out and it's past his shoulders now. The afternoon sun is picking up hints of red and gold in the lovely black that it is normally. His large eyes are glowing green in the sunbeam as well. But none if it strikes me as much as how impossibly tall he is. Can a person grow that much in five months? He's got to be... I almost do the calculation in centimeters, but catch myself. He's got to be over six feet.

He's not looking at me. His panicked eyes are trained on the person who's dressing him down. I glance over to the speaker, who has stopped talking and is looking straight at me.

He's probably not short, but he sure looks it next to Javi. His hair is short and dull-colored in the shadow he's standing in and his eyes are dark. He's also at least as pale as I am, which is impressive, considering the ten months of winter I've just endured. He's good-looking enough, but nothing compared Javi.

He's scrutinizing me as well, and seems to come to a similar dismissal. He turns back.

"Your ride?" he asks, practically a sneer.

Javi, usually talkative, says nothing. His skin is so sweaty I can see it dripping down his neck and his expression looks nervous. His resting face, with his heavy-lidded eyes and slightly smiling mouth appears relaxed enough to fool most people, but I can read the signs. I turn back to the other guy. My nonchalance snaps from dislike to revulsion.

Whoever this guy is, I hate him.

"I'll run the numbers on this. We'll sort it out on Monday," he says flatly, a threat.

Javi stands there immobile. I want to grab his arm and drag him away, but he's still looking at this other guy, waiting for something.

"Go," he says darkly and at that, Javi finally moves toward me. He grabs MY arm and tries to drag me with him.

"Hey!" my voice breaks as he yanks me along, half in greeting, half in surprise. The force starts to turn me around, but before I do I catch one last glimpse of dark eyes, staring hard.

"What was that about? Who was that guy?" We reach the car and he practically shoves me to the driver's side door. I catch my balance and unlock the car. He's gotten in the passenger seat and closed his door before I even have the chance to open mine.

I get in the car and turn to him, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, no... yeah." He looks like he's staring at the floor, but he's obviously not looking at anything. I can't think of the last time I've seen him this flustered. I put my hand on his shoulder and he finally looks at me.

"It's good to see you. It's been awhile. I missed you," I say all three sentences sarcastically, but I really mean it... and it's what I wish he would say.

At that his face brightens and he relaxes back into his usual half-smile.

"Hey Cha Cha."

"Hey Jabby."

I reach for his other shoulder and we hug. It's just for a second, but it's enough for me to register the changes in his body, his broad shoulders. I take a deep breath and as hard as it is to let go, I push him away.

"Let's go. Auntie Priya has texted me. Twice."

His eyes widen. "How many question marks?"

"Three."

"Shit." He reaches in his pocket to turn on his phone and I pull out onto the street.It bings as soon as he turns it on. The conversation goes something like this:

"Yes. Yes, mummy. Yes. No. No, mummy. Of course not. Ten minutes. Yes mummy."

I clench my teeth to stifle a laugh until he hangs up.

"You suck," he says flatly.

"I can't help it," I start to laugh in earnest. "You're, like, a giant now." I raise a hand over my head to indicate height. "But when it comes to your mom..."

"Yeah, yeah." He's annoyed, but seems to be more like himself than before. While he's talking again but before we get back to the house I take a chance.

"So, was that your boss?"

"Anders? Yeah, he's a manager, I think. He's the owner's nephew, but he acts like he runs the place."

"Anders," I say thoughtfully, trying to place him from my early childhood memories from around here, but I come up blank.

"Stay away from him."

"Huh?" I snap out of my thoughts.

"I mean," Javi sighs and pushes his hair out of his face. "You know you're like my sister, right?" Not exactly the words I wanted to hear coming out of his mouth. "I promise I won't go all overprotective big brother on you at school, but trust me. That guy's a psycho."

I do not think of Javi as a brother. I've never had one, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't think of them like I think about him. But what I say is, "BIG brother? YOU protect ME? That'll be a change."

"You really do suck."

I didn't really get an answer to my question, but Javi seems okay now about the situation I witnessed, he's even making jokes, so I decide to let it go.

"Okay, no Anders. Who can I hang around?"

His face lights up, really genuinely happy. Ah! I've hit the right topic.

He pulls his phone back out and starts searching.

"If you can get the car this weekend I'd love for you to meet Melissa."

My heart seizes. Melissa? Who the hell is Melissa?

We hit a stoplight and he shows me a picture on his phone.

Boom. My heart restarts and pounds in fury. Melissa is long-haired, blond, tall, thin, and all the other things I'm not, and she's sitting in Javi's lap. Her eyes are closed in laughter and his hands are on her thighs. The look he has on his face is everything I've ever wanted, except he's looking at her.

The car behind us honks and I yelp in surprise. The light turned green and I didn't even notice.

***

Plip. Plip plip.

Later that afternoon, evening, whatever, it's dark and I've totally lost track of what time it is, I lay in my bed and watch the rain hit the window. Each drop sounds like a tiny piece of my heart breaking.

The room is home, but distant. It's like I'm visiting a former version of myself. So much has happened since the last time I lived in the US long enough to make changes to the decorations.

At least, I thought it was a former version of myself.

I turn my head and look at my dresser. It's covered in mementos from my childhood: movie tickets, a bicycle tire pressure gauge, a henna wrapper from the first time Priya painted my hands, so many memories associated with Javi. I thought things had changed since then, that I had changed. I worked so hard to grow into someone he might view differently. I tried to be more mature. I even practiced being a girlfriend with another guy so I'd be ready, so I'd already be good at it.

I groan and turn over. I try not to cry. I'm sick of crying. I breathe in the scent of my pillow, familiar and also dusty. Is that how I seem to Javi?

I would say I don't know what the problem is, but that would be a lie. Even when we were little I could tell. We were in different grades, but I would spot him in the hallway staring at girls in his class, cute girls, dainty girls, skinny girls.

I feel my stomach pool and spread on the bed beneath me and I clench my eyes shut. No, no more crying. It hasn't done me any good so far and I don't see any reason it will now.I picture Melissa in my head. Okay, that's my competition. If Javi wants me to meet her, sure I'll meet her. I'll hang out with them as often as I can. I won't give them a minute alone. I'm Javi's best friend and no one will take that away from me at least.

It's a start, but it's not enough. I'm also going to have to change.

Really change.

The icy empty feeling in my chest starts to transform. It heats up into a fire and my stomach growls.

Good.

I smile into the pillow. I can use this. I can turn an old enemy into a new friend.

I can be hungry.