a wife's regret // chaelisa

chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Jisoo Kim was not all what Chaeyoung had been expecting. The woman was a couple of years older than Chaeyoung, about thirty, and so tiny that she made Chaeyoung feel like a giant by comparison. She could not have been more than five feet tall and had a small, perfectly proportioned body. She had soft brown eyes shielded by silly, little round glasses and she was almost pretty in a wholesome way, with freckles splattered across her nose and an endearingly mischievous grin. Her dark, straight, curls gave her a kind of doll-like appeal. She was certainly not the drop-dead-gorgeous woman Chaeyoung had expected a beautiful individual like Jennie Kimto fall for. (we all know jisoos drop dead gorgeous its j the book) She walked with a slight limp and still had faint scars on her upper arms and a slightly longer, more pronounced one on her round, firm jaw.
Her intimidatingly gorgeous wife doted on her. In fact every time Jennie looked at Jisoo, her eyes positively glowed with love. She lit up when Jisoo smiled and beamed whenever she laughed. It was a revelation for Chaeyoung to see the previously austere Jennie so transparently in love. The woman who had terrified her when she'd first met  her now laughed freely, told silly jokes, and changed nappies! Their baby boy, Joowon, was about five months old and had a sweet, placid temperament. She had Jennie's pitch-black hair and Jisoo's large brown eyes. Ella was quite excited to see the baby and meet new people, but she fell asleep half an hour after the couple's arrival.
"She's such a beautiful little girl," Jisoo was telling Chaeyoung after the latter had put Ella to bed. "Such a little livewire . . ." Chaeyoung laughed.
"That's a polite way of phrasing it," Chaeyoung told Jisoo. "She's hell on wheels. When she started toddling, she was an unstoppable force. You wait until Joowon gets to that age; you'll be running yourself ragged. I'm just happy we managed to get her off to bed with so little fuss tonight."
Jisoo laughed and Chaeyoung smiled, really liking the other woman. She had feared that Jisoo Kim would be an unbearable snob, the way Jennie sometimes tended to be, but not only was she not a snob, she had somehow managed to destarch Jennie in many ways. Jisoo was definitely a lot more relaxed and a great deal more pleasant to spend time with. She was fluent in ASL, and she and Lisa were engaged in what looked like a serious conversation. Jisoo followed her eyes and smiled. She leaned conspiratorially close to Chaeyoung.
"Jennie was very relieved when she heard you were back."
Chaeyoung frowned, which came as a surprise to her; she had always believed that Jennie did not care much for her. In fact she had barely spoken to Jennie after arriving for dinner, leading Chaeyoung to assume that she had heard the same story about her as Bambam. "From what I understand, Lisa became something of a recluse after you left. she hardly ever leaves the house; she works from home, never goes into the office, and leaves it to Jennie to run the more social end of the business." Chaeyoung bit her lip and watched as her wife laughed at something Jennie said, the joke silent and just between the two of them.
"Where did Jennie learn to sign?" she asked quietly, admiring the fluent, graceful gestures of Jennie's hands.
"He used to drive me to my physiotherapy sessions after I had recovered from the accident enough to start strengthening my weak leg, and they happened to have SASL classes at the same clinic, which fortunately coincided with my visits. Jennie saw it as an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak."
"I would like to learn," Chaeyoung confided softly. "Could you give me the address of this place?"
Jisoo smiled. "Of course." She nodded. "I'll even go with you if you'd like."
Chaeyoung smiled gratefully before nodding. "I'd really like that."
"Did you enjoy your evening?" Lisa asked in an indulgent voice that grated on Chaeyoung's nerves, after the other couple's departure. They were standing on the front step watching the taillights on the Kim car grow more distant as it made its way down the steep, winding drive leading from the Palmer home back down to the main road.
"Yes." She replied abruptly. "Jisoo is fantastic. I really like her."
"I knew you would," Lisa confirmed, still looking and sounding like an indulgent mother. For some reason Chaeyoung felt like slapping the self-satisfied smirk off her face. Did Lisa have to look so damned smug?
"Yes of course." Chaeyoung looked straight up at Lisa, her eyes gleaming angrily. "And, as we all know by now; you're always right." she couldn't hear the venom in her voice, but she could certainly see it in her eyes and she took the tiniest step back.
"What the hell is wrong now?" Lisa growled furiously.
"Nothing," she hissed. "I'm tired . . . I'm going to bed."
"Oh come on," she hffmed. "You're not going to do this to me. You're not going to play this game."
"I'm not playing any games. I'm too tired for games." Chaeyoung turned away and headed back indoors. Lisa followed her inside and caught her elbow to halt her progress. Chaeyoung tried to tug Lisa's arm away, but her grip, while gentle, was unrelenting.
"What's going on?" Lisa asked in a whisper. "Did Jisoo or Jennie do or say something to offend you?"
"No," she shook her head abruptly. "No, of course not."
"So then it's me?" Lisa stated matter-of-factly.
"Is it ever anyone else?" Chaeyoung muttered snidely beneath her breath, but Lisa couldn't read her lips because she ducked her head as she said it. She tried to wriggle her arm and glared up at her when she wouldn't release her.
"You're hurting me!" Chaeyoung stated as clearly as she could, and Lisa let her go abruptly.
"I'm sorry." Lisa's immediate release and apology took her by surprise, and she felt a little guilty when she saw a flare of genuine remorse in her eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"You didn't," Chaeyoung admitted. "But I'm tired and I have nothing more to say to you tonight."
"You think you can dismiss me and expect me to obey like a whipped dog?" Lisa sneered, taking hold of her elbow again and giving her a gentle shake to emphasize her point.
"No, I expect you to respect my wishes," Chaeyoung told her tiredly, all of the fight leaving her. Her arm hung limply in her grip. she sighed and took hold of her other elbow before running her hands caressingly up her arms.
"Tell me why you're angry with me," Lisa coaxed, and her large hands moved up to cup her narrow face gently. Lisa's thumbs traced the outline of her trembling lips, and she leaned toward her, her lips almost touching hers.
"I want to be with you again tonight," Lisa whispered hoarsely, and Chaeyoung flinched.
"No." She shook her head firmly. Lisa frowned and stepped back, releasing her abruptly.
"Why not?" Lisa asked coldly.
"How can you even ask me that? I told you, last night was a mistake. And do you really think I want to get back into bed with the woman who said I made her skin crawl?" she asked.
"Look, I was an ass when I said that, okay?" Lisa admitted, throwing up her hands in surrender. "I'm sorry. It was a blatant lie expressly designed to hurt you as much as possible. It was that or admit that you were right about me wanting you the other day." She continued to stare stonily up at Lisa, knowing that she was repudiating her words now because she wanted her back in her bed.
"I won't beg," she warned.
"I wasn't expecting you to," Lisa muttered, and she frowned.
"What?" When Chaeyoung refused to repeat the words Lisa hadn't caught, Lisa swore angrily and turned away from her. "I hate this! I want to know your every word. I want to hear my daughter's laughter. I want so many things." She softened a little at the helpless frustration in Lisa's voice and took a step toward her. She rested a tentative hand on her rigid shoulder and stepped around to face her. Lisa shrugged off her hand and glared at her.
"Don't," Lisa warned dangerously, and her brow lowered in confusion.
"Don't what?"
"Don't you dare pity me." Lisa's voice was as hard as granite, belying the vulnerability she had heard just seconds before. "I don't want or need your pity!"
"Trust me, the last thing I feel for you is pity," Chaeyoung told her, but she must have missed the words because her confused frown deepened before she swore in irritation.
"Just go to bed, Chae," Lisa muttered tiredly as she brushed by her. Chaeyoung watched her lean back as she retreated. Lisa turned a corner and she heard a door slamming in the distance as she shut herself into her study.
Chaeyoung stood there for the longest time, valiantly fighting back her tears of frustration. She did not know this bruised, battered, and embittered woman as the Lisa she had adored and married within weeks of meeting her, but there was still something so compelling about her. Lisa reminded her of a badly wounded lion, confused and exhausted but unable to stop fighting.
She swallowed down the incredible pain of realization, recognition, and resignation. God help her, she still loved Lisa. She had always loved Lisa. She loved her, hated her, and resented her all at the same time. Yet the only other certainty she had in life besides Ella's love was the knowledge that Lisa hated her more than she had ever thought possible, and she did not know how she was going to shield her vulnerable heart from the agony that Lisa was so very capable of inflicting on her.
"Where are you going?" Lisa did nothing to hide the deep suspicion in her eyes late the following morning as she took in Chaeyoung's attire. They were in the living room, where Lisa had been glaring down at her laptop screen before she'd distracted Lisa with her presence. She was wearing a pair of designer black slacks, one of the pieces that she had left behind, combined with a pretty silk turquoise top. Despite the fact that the clothes were still a little baggy on her, Chaeyoung thought the combination looked charming. Especially with her dark hair falling in lustrous waves to her narrow shoulders and her lips tinted with shell-pink lipstick. She had even taken on a healthy, light-golden sheen after spending some time out in the sun the day before. For the first time in a long while she was relatively happy with the way she looked.
"Out to lunch, with Jisoo," she informed casually, taking a seat opposite her. "Will you be okay with Ella? She's in the kitchen with Celeste at the moment. They're baking a cake."
"Of course I'll be okay with Ella," she dismissed before continuing. "When was this lunch thing decided?" Lisa asked handedly, and she laughed at the autocratic question.
"Not that it's any of your business, but this was decided after dinner last night."
Lisa frowned, missing her sarcasm.
"I don't remember you making this arrangement," shesaid, clearly trying to recall the evening before.
"Well you and Jennie were having your little powwow." She shrugged lightly. "What did you expect Jisoo and I to do? Sit around quietly and wait for our wives to rejoin us? We talked, hit it off, and befriended each other. This is what friends do. We get together, have lunch, and go shopping . . ."
"You're not well enough to venture out yet," Lisa said authoritatively. "Jisoo can come around here for lunch. I'll SMS Jennie immediately and arrange it.'' Lisa whipped her mobile phone out of her jeans pocket, Chaeyoung held Lisa's hand by placing her smaller one over it.
"No." Lisa shook her head decisively, and she frowned.
"But . . ."
"I'm meeting Jisoo for lunch," she reiterated.
"I don't like it."
"Well that's just too bad, isn't it?" Lisa was getting annoyed with her arrogance and her glare told her so.
"How are you getting there?" She frowned and lifted the set of car keys she was holding.
"I'm taking the Jeep," Chaeyoung responded. The Jeep was one of the five cars Lisa owned. Chaeyoung had never seen the sense in anyone having more than one car, but Lisa loved her cars. She had already noted that her beloved metallic blue Maserati was gone, and she guessed that it must have been the one she'd been driving when she had her accident.
"I didn't give you permission to use the Jeep," sheretaliated smugly, and Lisa  bit her lip.
"You've never been selfish with your things; I didn't think you'd mind," Chaeyoung said uncertainly.
"I gave you a car as a wedding present. What happened to it?" she gritted, her eyes narrowing as she reminded her of the beautiful sporty BMW. She flushed as she struggled to respond to that question.
"What do you think happened to it? I sold it," she whispered softly, defiance in her eyes. She had loved that car, but she had sold it before selling her wedding rings. She had clung to her marriage, her love for Lisa, and the rings that had symbolized both, for as long as she possibly could. The corners of her lips curled downward and she lowered her eyes, not wanting to see the contempt shehad for her reflected on her face.
"Why?" she asked quietly. The question threw her. She had expected yet another one of her scathing set downs.
"I needed the money," she confessed huskily. "I was seven months pregnant and I had no place to live. Up till then, I'd been staying in cheap hotels until the money I had in my personal bank account dried up." The money in her personal account had been hers, money earned during her short-lived waitressing career, and that had been left over from her grandmother's trust fund. It had lasted longer than expected after she had scrimped and saved, going without a lot of things in order to keep a roof over her head. She had worked three separate jobs, until she had been forced to concede that she wasn't doing herself or her unborn baby much good. So eventually she'd had to sell her car and put some of the money down as a deposit on the small flat that she and Ella had been still living in when Bambam found her again. The money from the car and the rings had kept her comfortably afloat for nearly a year. The added income from work had been used for food and rent. The car and rings had paid for the extras and had helped with the medical bills as well as with feeding and clothing Ella.
"It took me that long to grasp that our marriage was well and truly over," she admitted shamefully. "It took four long months before I—at long last—accepted that I couldn't continue living my life in limbo. I needed a place to stay, someplace that would be good for both the baby and me. I also knew that I would need medical care soon and some sort of financial cushion for a month or so after giving birth. I didn't want to abandon Ella for work mere days after giving birth to her. I wanted to spend some time with her." She stared at her in silence for a long time, and she wet her lips nervously, not really knowing what to expect. Not even sure that Lisa had caught half of what she'd said. She had spoken a little too quickly, without really giving any thought to her deafness.
"I expected you to use the money in our mutual account, or to use your credit card. I was hoping that you would because it would have helped me track you down. I nearly went crazy wondering how the hell you were taking care of yourself. Why didn't you use the money, Chaeyoung?" she asked hoarsely, clearly staggered by her words. "Surely your health and the baby's welfare meant more than your stubborn pride?"
She blinked at her in mute shock.
"I used my own money, Lisa," she repeated with a shrug, knowing that the money had been a pittance compared to what shehad. But at least it had been hers. "In my old account."
"What account?" she asked blankly, and she frowned.
"The account I had before we married," she said quietly.
"You still had that account?" she practically exploded, and she winced, understanding how that must look to her. "After two years of marriage, you still have a bank account in your maiden name? What the hell was that about, Chaeyoung? Your escape clause?"
"Hardly," she scoffed. "It barely had enough in it to see me through the first month. I just never got around to closing it, that's all. And besides, you have no right to get all self-righteous with me over it. You had cut me off so completely I'd assumed—"
"What? That I'd be happy to let you and the baby starve to death or wind up homeless?" Lisa interrupted fiercely, and her mouth opened and then closed again as she tried to gather her thoughts. Yes, she should probably have used the money. When she thought back to all the unnecessary suffering that she had endured, it seemed stupid now, but at the time she'd been trying to prove a point.
"Lisa," she tried to find a way to explain her decision to  her and drew a complete blank. "After four months of constant and inexplicable rejection, I gave up on trying to reach you. By that point I didn't think that you deserved to have the baby or me in your life. I wanted to move on and couldn't do so with your money. I needed to do it on my own, without being beholden to the woman who had made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with us. I didn't feel entitled to your money after making that decision."
"You didn't feel entitled to it?" Lisa latched onto those words, obviously dismissing the rest of what she had said. "To the other mother of your child's money? I don't even know how to respond to that, Chaeyoung. You may not have felt entitled to it, but Ella certainly was, and is, entitled to it. You could have set aside your pettiness and considered her in all of this!"
"Oh please just stop throwing Ella in my face. I did everything I could for her. I gave her the best I could afford after you kicked us out. How was I supposed to know you'd have this turnaround where the baby was concerned? As far as I knew, you didn't want her and didn't think that she was entitled to anything you had. She didn't want anything. Her clothes may not have had designer tags and her toys may have been secondhand, but my baby was well loved and well taken care of. Don't you dare imply anything else!" More interminably silent staring from her, but she refused to lower her eyes, refused to be intimidated or cowed by her. Instead she met her inscrutable gaze head-on, with chin tilted defiantly, eyes sparking, and fists clenched. She looked like a feral cat ready to defend herself and her baby against any and all threats.
"What time are you meeting Jisoo?" The question threw her completely, and she blinked in astonishment, surprised and relieved that she had let it drop. She checked her watch.
"In about half an hour," she told her.
"Will you come back?"
Not understanding the question, she merely stared at  her confusedly for a few moments.
"What?"
"You won't run off again?" sherephrased, and she reeled in shock at the depth of vulnerability and insecurity her question had revealed.
"Uh . . . n-no. Ella . . ." was all she managed, and she nodded shortly, realizing that she would never leave without her daughter.
"If not for Ella . . ." she seemed to ask the question before she could stop herself, and in doing so, clearly revealed a lot more than shehad ever intended to reveal. "Would you come back?" She hesitated, her eyes lowered as she pondered the question, and seeing the uncertainty on her face, Lisa made a slight movement with her hand.
"Forget it," Lisa snapped, before she could even think about formulating a response. "It was a stupid question, and it's really not that important. As long as you don't leave with my daughter, I don't give a damn what you do." Somehow the words sounded hollow and untrue, ringing with bravado and not much conviction. They avoided each other's eyes—each afraid of the truth they might spy in the other's gaze.
"I have to go," she muttered evasively, getting up from the chair. she jumped up too and caught her arm to halt her progress.
"Wait." She stood quietly in her grasp, her eyes searching for her harsh features warily. she looked moody and uncertain, not at all sure of what she wanted to say or even why he'd halted her progress.
"I don't want you to go by yourself," shesaid, almost reluctantly. "I want one of the security team to go with me." Chaeyoung frowned at that. She had always hated the discreet security detail that had followed them just about everywhere after they had first gotten married and had complained about it so much that she had cut her personal detail down to one supposedly unobtrusive guard to keep her happy. Chaeyoung had agreed to the compromise because the one guy had been better than a team, but she had never felt comfortable with what she had always felt was a blatant display of wealth.
"Lisa, I don't want to have some gorilla following me around all afternoon," she snapped, and her lips tightened.
"I'll ask Cal to take care of the matter personally." Cal was her head of security and Chaeyoung had always liked the quiet man who read Shakespearean sonnets in his spare time. She hadn't really seen him since her return. She was relieved to learn that he still worked for Lisa since she had feared that she might have gotten him into trouble after instructing him to take that fateful night off two years ago. She had wanted a private and romantic evening with her wife and had dismissed the entire staff. She knew that it was probably one of the only reasons she had been able to disappear so completely. Cal had left only a skeleton staff on duty that night. Her personal guard, not expecting her to leave the house that night, had also been given the night off.
"I'm glad Cal still works for you," she said, all the heat fleeing from her voice and expression.
"He's been acting as my personal guard," Lisa said before making an odd sound in the back of her throat. "You still have my numbers right?" she continued hesitantly, and she nodded again. "If you need anything, or if you feel ill, call me."
"Lisa." She smiled reassuringly up into her eyes. "I'm fine, but in the unlikely event of that status quo changing, I'll be sure to give you a call." her eyes frosted over.
"Don't mock me, Chaeyoung," she said coldly, and she shook her head, alarmed that she had misread her humor.
"I wasn't," Chaeyoung assured gently, lifting her hand to cup her jaw. "I'll be fine, but I promise to call you if I feel ill." she stepped away from her soft hand, leaving it hovering in midair. She continued to look down at her for a few long moments.
"I'll tell Cal to meet you in the garage. Let him do the driving," Lisa said bossily before swivelling on her heel and leaving the room. Chaeyoung sighed despondently and stared after Lisa for one long, wistful moment before straightening her shoulders and leaving too.
Jisoo met her at the restaurant entrance with a warm hug and a smile. Her mischievously sparkling eyes traveled past Chaeyoung's shoulder to where Cal stood hovering in the background, before tossing a conspiratorial glance back over her own narrow shoulder. When Chaeyoung saw a large man, similarly dressed in black suit and dark glasses standing a little off to the side, desperately striving to look "unobtrusive" behind Jisoo, she laughed in genuine amusement.
"All the cool kids have one these days," Jisoo wisecracker cheerfully, her expression so comical that it set Chaeyoung off again.
"Where's Joowon?" Chaeyoung asked Jisoo after their initial warm greetings.
"I told Jennie that this was a ladies' afternoon and as such she had to take Joowon to the office with her." She grinned. "She was a bit reluctant. She loves having the baby around, but Joowon has this nasty habit of chewing important documents. Jennie still shudders every time she thinks of a certain document that got gummed just minutes before she had to hand it back to the legal department. The way she tells it, she had no option but to give it back as is. She made no comment about the drool and as such none of the legal team had the courage to say anything either. They merely retyped everything before sending it off." She laughed conspiratorially.
"According to Jennie it was 'damned embarrassing.'" She imitated her wife's voice and accent perfectly, and Chaeyoung's grin widened appreciatively. "Apparently she has an important meeting today, but I hardly ever get time to myself, so while she may grumble, she doesn't really mind. In fact, she'll never admit it but she gets a total thrill out of having her son to herself for part of the day."
"Well, I still feel a bit guilty about leaving Lisa with Ella," Chaeyoung admitted. "She's been remarkable with her, but I feel like she's been doing all the work."
"So?" Jisoo interrupted coldly. "You have been doing all the work for the last two years, and you've paid for it with your health. It's time for Lisa to put in some hours."
"But . . ."
"And you can't tell me she's not enjoying this time with her. She's getting to know her daughter, and from what I could see last night, she's totally in love with her."
Chaeyoung nodded with a slight smile.
"So no more guilt; just enjoy yourself. As far as I can tell, you haven't had too much fun over the last two years."
Chaeyoung's smile faded, and Jisoo shrugged, the gesture so Gallic, it could only have rubbed off on her from her wife.
"I know nothing about your situation, Chaeyoung," she said quietly. "But Jennie's version of events, definitely gleaned from her friend, was so one-sided that I'd always vowed to reserve judgment until I met you. And there seems to be a whole lot that Lisa left out when she told Jennie her story. I mean, she had certainly never told Jennie that you were pregnant. I can't tell you how shocked Jennie was when she learned that you were back in Lisa's life and with a child!"
Chaeyoung blinked stupidly at that. Jennie hadn't known about her pregnancy? She had a sudden vivid flashback of Bambam in her room at the hospital. It hadn't really sunk in at the time; she had been frightened, panicky, and floating on a medicated cloud, but her brother-in-law had looked startled at Lisa's first mention of a child. How could Lisa not have told Bambam or Jennie about their baby? Had she told her "crack" team of private investigators? It was a bizarre detail to leave out. If she really wanted to find her, why wouldn't she have told anybody about her pregnancy? Surely it would have made her search easier. Granted, some instinct had urged her to use her maternal grandmother's maiden name over the last two years, just in case Lisa decided that she wanted her baby and not her. It had been bothersome because she'd had to keep changing doctors and clinics; nobody would have believed her "forgotten ID" story twice.
"Chaeyoung?" Jisoo's voice seemed to come from a great distance away, and Chaeyoung had a hard time focusing on Jisoo again. "Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't she have told Jennie or Bambam about the baby?" she mused aloud, and Jisoo frowned
"That's a good question," Jisoo murmured. "But one that only Lisa can provide the answer to." Chaeyoung nodded absently but found it hard to focus on anything else for the rest of the afternoon. She enrolled in the sign language classes after lunch. The clinic offered afternoon and evening classes, and Chaeyoung opted to attend a day class once a week. She and Jisoo also arranged a standing lunch date on the day that she would attend the class.
"So every Tuesday? Same time and place?" the other woman double-checked as they said their good-byes a couple of hours later. "And next time, let's keep the wives out of the conversation!"
"I'm sorry if I seemed a little distracted," Chaeyoung apologized quietly. "It's just . . ."
"Forget it, you and Lisa obviously still have a great deal to work out."