roommates || billie eilish

•nineteen•

billie's pov:

tw: sh

a week and a half later (6/27/2021)

billie, you suck. kill yourself. you aren't worthy of happiness. no wonder arya never calls anymore. you ugly shit.

i grabbed the blade that i had left untouched for 2 months and 17 days and admired its shininess before carving deep into the skin of my wrists, making blood rush out immediately, satisfying my eyes

my mind though, it wasn't done

pain.

more pain.

you haven't tortured enough.

i made another slit and dug down much deeper than the first one

i missed this feeling of power so much, but i feel so guilty for letting myself slip up

oh well, there's no going back at this point

for the next couple minutes, i had myself locked in the bathroom, letting myself bleed, and making it do some more when it would start to slow down

***

arya

hey billiee

hi

are you okay

mhm

read 1:48 pm

***

incoming facetime from arya

i let it ring for a couple seconds, debating whether or not i wanted to talk right now

i ended up swiping to answer, being greeted by arya's pretty face

"heyy"

"um hi?" i said, still unsure what was happening

"first of all, are you really okay, and two, if you say you are, why is the camera facing the ceiling?"

i sat in silence, feeling worse than ever about myself and my actions

"you're never like this. something's going on and i'm determined to find out"

"oh, sorry" i said forcing a laugh "i'm going to the bathroom"

"oooh that makes sense now"

***

i talked to arya for a while, brightening my mood a little, but continued slitting up my arms throughout most of the conversation

i looked down at what i had done and picked the worst ones to put bandaids on to stop from bleeding through my long sleeve shirt, which i'll now have to wear for most of the summer to cover my fresh cuts, and the scars that they'll become in a while

i ran over to my closet, my skin finally dry, and grabbed a black hoodie and some sweats

as much as i hate posting on instagram, i haven't done that in a while, so i took a couple pictures and looked over them