demand of admiration

admiration

It was a profound feeling she felt
it was inevitable to have alterations needed
feeling profoundly and almost alienated from her
body,
feeling empty as she wept
an frequent occurrence
she hasn't slept 
the feeling of validation such
she never felt nor received any type of imitation of love,
not receiving an admiration of love is what she deeply loathed
over time she became utterly hopeless
she was exhausted
the repetition of forcing herself to fall in love was an internal suffering,
she had fantasied such imagery of her feeling such validation from love
she had dreamt about it frequently,
never felt it though
never believed it
she loathed it so much
every ounce of her delusion fantasy
piled up with her unforeseen confidence just for it to inevitably crumble down in-front of her helpless eyes
she asks herself the question
why?
am i not worthy of such love?
no one answered those questions
bar herself,
why had her past lovers been so sadistic towards her need for intimacy she often wonders,
she done most things herself in life
isolated alone
she could face life without love right?
often she was crying
tired of trying
she had felt this feeling months before it wasn't a frequent disturbance
she try's now as she did in the past
she cried then
she cries now.

- unbeloved girl