Being with Jimin, feels different. It's not the same anymore. I frequently catch myself daydreaming. I know I should not compare Jimin with him but I just can't stop myself. It feels natural to think about him. He was my life, when he left, it felt like he took my soul with him. My body was left like an empty shell. I tired moving on but it was just too difficult. It was too difficult until I met Jimin, or that was what I thought. I still have this tiny bit of a hope that he might return to me. I never dared to change my contact number, so that if he have a change of heart he would call. I know I am being delusion, but I read it somewhere, do what makes you feel alive, waiting for him does. Then why am I with Jimin you may ask, funny story. Jimin is my colleague, he had a crush on me ever since I joined the company. He did ask me out a number of times but I, on the other hand, still had feelings for my past lover. Then one day my best friend, Choi Mina, asked me to give a chance to him. I knew that it would just lead him on and he would end up hurting.
But I had to get over these feelings so I accepted his proposal. Jimin is nice to me, he has always been. He loves talking, but I feel bad for not paying attention to most of it. He is everything a girl could ask for. Good looking, caring, respects my decision, handle my mood swings, knows my important dates, don't know cooking but still tries his best. Yet, he is still not enough for me, coz Jimin is not him. I thought I would get over him as I start dating someone else, but this was not even close to getting over him. I did tell Jimin the truth about my past and my feelings yet he wanted to be with me. He believed that if I stay with him, I will definately get over my past. Little did he know it was easier said than done. I want rip myself apart for comparing Jimin to him again. But I can't help it, I suddenly hear a voice. "YN, are you listening?" Nice I was daydreaming again. "Sorry I got carried away with my thoughts." I said, guilty for not paying attention to his words.
Jimin smiled, a warm geniune smile, a smile that made me think what if he knows my inner thoughts about him, will he be able to smile like this again? I was scared, a rush of guilt filled my veins. I hate myself. "YN are you feeling okay? You don't look good, you want me to drop you home?" He must have noticed the bitter change in my expression. "No it's fine." I gave him a weak smile. He is not convinced, I could see that on his face. "YN can you stay over at my place tonight? Please?" He asked out of the blue. I have stayed over his place but only because mine had some issues. Not sure why he suddenly asked me to stay over, I still agreed. This is the least I could do for him. He smiled again, if I had a heart, I would have gotten addicted to his smile. He smiles with his eyes. It's cute. "We can buy snacks and make it a movie night." He was excited. I just went with the flow and nodded as yes. Going to a supermarket is always fun with Jimin. He buys all the junk food for us. He looked happy, a smile crept on my face looking him pick out food for us.
Just when I thought I was being happy, my mind played a memory of him. Of the time when we were together, when he used to drag to me to store for buying stuff. His smile, the one that made my flutter, his messy hair, messed up because he used to love when I played with them, his sparkling eyes, I remember each and every feature of his in detail like he was standing in front of me right now. But then his face turned cold, the sparkle left his eyes, he looked at me with a cold stone soul piercing gaze. A sudden feeling of breathlessness took over me. I needed air, no wait, what I needed was to escape that memory, to get out of it. I left the store, without telling this to Jimin. A few tears escaped from my eyes, only then I felt relieved. What am I doing? Why am I still thinking about him? He left me. He left me for good, years ago, so why am still stuck over him. I have a very loving partner, who cares about me, who loves me then why can't my heart except his love? Why?
All these questions were like a stabbing knife. I started walking towards my apartment, not even caring about how Jimin would feel when he don't see me around. I was trying to get the answers for my question. I was tired of walking, of thinking, and mostly running away. I sat on a bench, looking forward, spacing into infinity. Why did he left me? Because he fell out of love? He found someone else? Because of the regular fights? My bad temper? My ignorance? What was the reason?
"Its not working anymore."
This line still haunts me. It haunts the living life out of me. How could he just leave me out of nowhere? Was it my fault? As the thoughts were driving me crazy my phone buzzed, it was a call from Jimin. He must have been worried about me, I didn't pick up the call. Talking to him will only lead to him be more worried about me. I got up and started walking towards my apartment, I feel terrible for making Jimin worried and cancelling on him, but I just want to be alone for a sometime.
My phone kept buzzing and got loaded with bunch of texts and missed call from Jimin. He must be really worried. I picked up the call to let him know I wasn't feeling well so I left the place. "Where are YN? You got me so worried." He was genuinely terrified. "I am sorry, I left because I wasn't feeling well. I should have let you know." My apology was sincere. "Where are you, wait there I'll pick you up." He said. "There is no need I almost have reached my apartment building you should go-" I bumped into a person dropping my phone flat on the ground. "I am sorry." He said and picked up my phone for me, checking if there is any crack on it. That voice, I looked at him and my world crushed in front of me. My legs got weaker and weaker until there was no strength left in them to keep me standing. It was him standing in front of me, in blood and flesh, it was the real him. He looked up to see who he bumped in, pure surprise of seeing me in front of him flashed on his face. "It's you YN, it's really you, long time no see." He spoke and smiled a bit.
I couldn't make it up whether the smile was real or fake. Was he really happy to see me? Or he was faking it just for the sake of formality. I looked at him with a blank face. I have been thinking of him everyday for these past years but never once I thought what I would say when I meet him. What would I do when he is in front of me. I guess my mind was convinced that we would never meet ever again. I muster all my courage to speak. "T-Taehyung?"
