christmas eve

Hours. I've been sitting here for hours listening to the others go on and on about how excited they are for Christmas. I can't bring myself to open my mouth. I want to object. I want to point out the bitter reality of it, but I won't. I'll keep it all bottled up and hope I'll go unnoticed.

"Did you see the first snow?! Binnie and I were in the studio when it started. HyunJinnie came and got us to go see it." Chan chips as he sips at his hot chocolate.

"I built a snowman with Lix yesterday. We gave him a carrot nose—MinHo wasn't too happy about it though." SeungMin chuckles as MinHo glares at him.

"You used my carrots I was going to use for dinner. You took all of them. You didn't make a snowman—you made a snow village. There were at least a dozen snowmen out there. You even took my scarf and gloves to decorate them. I'm shocked you didn't take my coat." MinHo groans as he recalls how wet his gloves and scarf were once he finally got them back.

"You said they were cute though. You didn't seem too mad then." Felix joins in on the fun and pokes at MinHo's side.

"They were—but you used my stuff—you could've used JiSung's stuff." MinHo points his finger at me and I lift my head a little taken aback.

"Huh? What about my stuff?" I mumble as I pick at my nails.

"What about you, Sungie? We're you excited for the snow? You haven't said much of anything since we started." JeongIn tilts his head back to see me better.

"Me—oh—uh—I don't know. I don't really like the snow." I shrug as I dismiss the question as casually as possible.

"You don't? Why not? Snow is so pretty! It's white and fluffy. You can make snow angels and snowmen. You can have snowball fights. Then when you're done playing you can come in and drink hot chocolate to warm up. There's Christmas music, too!" Felix begins rambling off nonsense.

"It's not pretty. The cars make it all dirty and it makes the ground look like a mudflat. It always gets my pant legs wet. It's slippery out. There's always more traffic because everyone is being careful so they don't get into an accident. It's cold. Really really cold. You get sick a lot more, too." I ramble off a few of the things that stick out the most.

I can't reveal the truth. The truth that I'm bitter. The truth is that I loved winter and Christmas, but last week it all changed. You bid me farewell. The happiness I felt this time last year disappeared with you. The memories we had together make it hard to love the season.

The snow was beautiful—when you were standing in it. It was fun to make snowmen—when it was with you. I loved snowball fights—when you were the one throwing them at me. The hot chocolate was delicious—when you were the one who made it. Without you—winter is nothing. It's just another time of year that I hang my head and push forward just for the sake of pushing forward.

I remember the time you made me dress up as Santa. You told me it'd make the boys laugh. You told me I looked good enough to be the real Santa. You made up this magic tale of me traveling the world and delivering happiness to everyone. You made me seem so powerful—like I had the ability to actually make a difference in the world. Now—I've lost all the confidence you gave me. All that's left is the crippling fear that I wasn't enough for you. The fear that I'll never be enough for anyone.

I loved you. I loved you so much. When I watch the snow fall from the sky, I see us. I see our relationship falling to the ground where someone will eventually step on it. They'll walk all over everything we were. They'll crush each delicate snowflake like you did my heart. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't do it all over again though.

I would take this pain all over again if it meant I got to hold you just one last time. I'd face this bitter reality again if I got to see your heartwarming smile for just another minute.