All the things I said to myself

Getting left by that one person you thought was always gonna be there for you

November 3rd 2019

I'm just lying in my bed, feeling sad but actually don't know why because there are too much reasons and then suddenly my pillow is wet of a river of tears that suddenly came out off me. I also don't know how long I just cryed but I wished you were here... I wish I could tell you how I felt about you while knowing feel maybe just something, also if it's just friendship like it was until a few days or weeks before but I know I have no chance. You love her, you need her and I'll never be her... And I can never change this and I also just want to  know you're happy. And you can only be happy with her. So I have to handle my feelings all alone, I have to fight with myself but I did it for you because I don't want you to think too much about me so that you wouldn't be  happy, now I know you wouldn't even care, in fact you wouldn't even care if I would commit suicide. I think it was true friendship what I did for you and I did this because you were a very special person for me and our friendship was very special and really meant something to me and I really didn't want to destroy it. Because you were  important in my life, your friendship was important for my life. Also if I love you I didn't care about my feelings for you because you were a real friend to me and always there for me and I never wanted to  loose you because I can't live without you anymore.
But now I actually lost you. What I thought about you before you changed into a completely different person, before you left me alone and let me fall like trash, like something that's not even worth to tell that you don't like it, was a lot of the things I already wrote but not in past forms. And what hurts the most?
I trusted you. You told me you will always be there for me, I'm not alone because you're there, it's okay for you to be there for me, it's nothing special that you're there for me, I should see it as self-evident and now it's all worth nothing because you left me alone and you are actually not there for me when I needed you the most, you said I'm just acting like I don't feel good for getting attention. In fact, I wanted to die. But well, if that's what you think then fine. I think friends should trust each other so you should have trusted me but friends also should not lie to each other and they should be there for each other and they should not leave each other for no reason. All the things friends should not do, you did. I don't know until when you actually did care about me, until when you actually did like me but I wanna know if you have always been this way and just acted like you were different or if you actually changed. You changed my life in a couple of things but the most important is, that because of you something changed between my best friend and me and something changed in my best friend and I don't think that's good what changed and it's all because of you. I wish I could tell you but I can't. I wish you could read what I'm writing. I wish you would know how I really feel. I thought you knew me the best but you actually don't. That's something that also hurts. I regret that I trusted you... I regret that I loved you... And somehow I also regret meeting you.