You don't know until...

it's staring right in front of you

You don't know shame until

you cover your windows in black curtains

because you can't stand to know the sun is out

and you've done nothing.

You don't know worthlessness until

you stare at an empty page and sob

because you're not good enough

like everyone has told you that you are.

You don't know fear until

you're standing in the shower, letting the water burn your skin

because if you step out

you're not quite sure if you'll actually do it this time.

You don't know uselessness until

you hear your mom has been admitted to a hospital

for threatening to kill herself

while wondering why you weren't enough to keep those thoughts away.

You don't know restraint until

you lie next to the person you care for

wanting to kiss, wanting to touch, wanting to shower them in praise

and knowing they don't want the same.

You don't know desparation until

you see everything you want, everything you know you could achieve

and don't even leave your bed to try.

But what do I know?