I'm Starting To Learn To Hate You

I can't pay for my therapist anymore.

At one point, she mentioned I should write down all my feelings and thoughts on a journal. When I sat down and started writing, I found myself with what you're reading right now. But hey, maybe one day I'll publish this and make loads from royalties. Then, I'll be able to pay off my enormous credit card debt and maybe even see my therapist again.

Now as I was growing up, I've always wanted to be done with high school. To experience the outside world, to live and be an adult. And I imagine that's what every teen nearing graduation wants. Now I didn't have many friends, I blamed that on changing schools two years in. Absolutely hated the second school. I've always wondered what would've happened if I stayed and finished in the first. That place was overflowing with pretty girls. I say that, but of course I never had a real girlfriend. Not until I met Hazel, but more on that soon.

One thing was for certain, I wanted to fuck.

I figured I would lose my virginity after graduation, so I didn't really attempt to during high school. Especially since none of the girls really caught my eye. Now, I'm not the type of guy to be cherry picking. I wasn't the most handsome guy in the school, but I still had standards. Somewhat.

Right after graduation, I spent my summer creating an online persona. It's all I could do. Work, social media, sleep. It's what my summer consisted of really. Eventually it became addicting. Seeing those tweets gather likes and retweets. It was nice to feel some sort of validation even if it was just some internet points from strangers in my area. Speaking of, I followed just about as many people around my area. I followed the following list of the people I followed and so on. I figured this would create some sort of networking.

The point in all this? friends. Which would eventually lead to a girlfriend. Sad, I know but it was something that I knew could work. Eventually I found this group of people I chatted over the summer. I won't lie it was a blast ignoring everything from the outside world and focusing on my little friends who at best of my knowledge could be my next-door neighbors.

Alissa.

This girl was part of this little group we had. Me and her drifted away from this group and started chatting in private. She was amazingly skinny, very petite. I'm about five foot eight , which is average, but this girl didn't even reach my fucking shoulders.

I liked that in a way. Made me feel way more confident than I usually am. Now her face wasn't great, if anything it was more masculine. Small lips, weird hair that looked like she was licked on top of her head. So here was, this little body, man-looking faced girl.

Did I mention this girl is 3 years younger than me? Even then, she flirted with me constantly, showed me affection, sending me cute little songs. Honestly, that alone was suffice for me to entertain her for a bit.

Alissa and one of my few friends from high school went out for breakfast. I remember picking her up first and going in pretending that I've known this girl for a long time. Some sort of tactic to increase my confidence, which worked wonders. I grasped my thigh, often. Making her believe I was nervous, because where's the harm in that right?

After breakfast, I asked my friend if he wanted to get dropped off or go wherever the hell we were going. Dropped him off fifteen minutes later. Me and Alissa, alone for the afternoon. Now I didn't really have that much experience with girls, so I didn't really know my end-plan here. We went to the mall and after some awkward walks around stores, and a horrendous picture of us two, she admitted that she had started to catch feelings while we were texting.