Confessions of a Lost Dreamer

Day to Day

Dear Me, 

I don't know how you do it. 

I don't know how you wake up every morning and get dressed and eat breakfast, and just continue life like a normal person. 

I don't know how you get dressed and go out looking the way you do, looking like everyone else isn't looking. Looking like your not hurting on the inside. Looking like you're happy.

I don't know how you look in the mirror in the morning and actually tolerate what you see. How do you keep yourself from crying whenever you look at the disgusting, repulsive, and ugly thing that stands before you. How do you look at yourself.

I don't know how you eat breakfast. How do you do it? How do you even eat at when you know that all the food will do is cause you to suck in your stomach later, and regret every bite. Every bite that you don't want to eat. Every bite that you somehow manage as to not concern those around you. Would they even notice if you didn't eat? Would they even notice if you just disappeared? 

No.

Most of them wouldn't anyway. You could count those who would on a single hand. And even they would eventually forget about you too. If you died, the world wouldn't end. Your classes would continue as normal. Your teachers would be grateful that they no longer had to deal with you, or put up with your endless rambling. The people you sit with on breaks would still smile, still laugh, and wouldn't even notice you were gone. It would be so easy to just leave.

But you can't, because you have a brother. A brother who, for some reason, actually cares about you more than you do for yourself. A brother who, when you look at still has a light behind his eyes that the world has not yet stolen from him. A brother who just loves, and smiles, and warms the world with his presence when he's around. A brother who cares about his sister more than she will ever admit. A brother who has a sister that can't go just yet, for she still needs to see him grow, and cannot wait to see the amazing person he will become. You can't miss that, can you?

And you can't, because you know it would just crush your parents. You know that your dad would accidentally go into your bedroom to wake you up in the morning, before realising that you weren't in there anymore. And you know that your mum would cry as she drove past your school and not have not pull over to pick you up.

You know that the house would be so much quieter without you there to be going on and on about some show you were watching, or some piece of fanfiction that you were mad at. And you know that that silence would just break them. 

Cause you know that as much as you want to go there will always be someone who just wants you to stay.

So you take a deep breath, and you continue with your day. You look your friends in the eyes and say "I'm okay" And you repeat it over and over from day to day. Maybe soon you will believe it too.