there should be stars

a/n: A couple days ago, I submitted a story on twitter for @/yellowships_'s #Decemverse on a whim, and if you think it didn't make sense, then that makes the two of us (I'm very rusty, sorry lol). Anyway, I decided to make some revisions to it and add some stuff. This story is now an altered and slightly extended version of said ficlet. Hope you like it. :)

.::.

There was a time when Christmas was Lea's favorite holiday. The lights, the carols—they never failed to bring out the child in her. She welcomed the season with wide-eyed excitement and the eagerness to create new traditions with the one person she wanted to spend all her holidays with. It really was the most wonderful time of her year.

Until it wasn't.

It was also Christmastime when the life she'd carefully crafted began to shatter.

On Christmas eve, when the rest of the world were wrapping presents, Simon was in their bedroom packing up his things. Lea watched, unmoving, too scared to say anything that could make everything worse.

Looking back, she wished she had said something then. She wanted to blame herself—and she did for a while before she eventually came to accept that it took the both of them to keep their relationship going.

What they had was far from perfect. They were only human, after all. They fought, they had disagreements. There were times when she had to ask him for space, but things were never that serious. At the end of the day, one of them would apologize and they'd spent the rest of the night making it up to each other.

That evening, she knew it was different. All of the regrets and the self blame were not enough to keep him.

Simon closed his suitcase with a finality that left her feeling like he also had her trapped inside the luggage. She couldn't breathe.

"Hun," she tried to stop him, searching for words within herself that could help her fix this.

How the hell did they get here?

"We can't let ourselves keep destroying each other, Lea."

His words might as well be a knife that sliced through her heart.

"I thought we were good for each other?"

She was close to begging and she didn't care. Let him know how desperate she felt.

"It hasn't been that way for a while now, has it?"

It hurt to hear from him what she already knew. It hasn't been good for a while now.

She felt his thumb brush her cheek and it was only then that she realized she was crying.

"Take care of yourself, Lea." He murmured, brushing a kiss on her head.

"I love you." Her voice cracked at the words, but what else could she say? If this was the last time they'd see each other, she had to let him know. "I'm sorry if I didn't do a good job in making you feel that."

He shook his head, but she's full on sobbing now and so he pulled her into his arms, allowing his shirt to absorb her tears in a way he couldn't do for her anymore.

"You were so good to me, Lea. I have no regrets." He placed another kiss on her cheek, so gentle as if he feared that she would break.

He took one step back. For her it felt like a mile.

"I love you. I always will."

Those were the last words he said to her before he picked up his stuff and left her life.

That was two years ago. The pain was more subdued now but no less bitter. Lea has never enjoyed Christmas ever since.

.::.

Lea picked at the hem of the sweater she's wearing as she sat alone on her living room couch. It's A Wonderful Life played on the tv which only added up to the unyielding ache in her chest.

They used to do this together—sitting on the couch and watching the reruns of their favorite Christmas movies on television—and the realization hit her like a train on full force. Fuck, she missed him.

How could she move on if every little thing about this holiday reminded her of him?

It's been two years but she still felt like a fish out of water; they spent so much of their life together that she almost forgot how it was to exist without him. She picked up the glass of whiskey in front of her hoping that she could drown the memories that came along with the season.

Her phone on the coffee table taunted her. The damn device just sat there as if it knew that there was one number she wanted to call. Well, screw that. She's a strong, independent woman. She could survive another Christmas without him.

She downed her drink in one go, ignoring the slight burn it left in her throat. That night, she wanted to forget. And she must've already drank more than she thought when she started seeing the phone on her coffee table light up with a notification of a call from the number she swore she'd never dial.

Nevertheless, she scrambled to get to it (not that she'll admit that to anyone even with a gun to her head). She took a moment to calm her nerves and gather up her thoughts before she answered.

"Hello," her voice sounded foreign even to her own ears.

"Simon," she tried again when there was no response.

"H-hi, Lea." He sounded hesitant and dread started to creep on her.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." He was quick to clarify.

Relief immediately flooded her system at the confirmation that he was fine.

"What's up then?"

She heard some scuffling from his end and she imagined him moving around his own home, looking for a more comfortable position.

"It's a Wonderful Life is playing."

Her breathing hitched.

"I'm watching." Her eyes closed as she forced down the lump that was beginning to form in her throat.

The chuckle he let out was bitter. On the screen, George was telling Mary about how he should throw a lasso around the moon.

"Do you want the moon?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

She choked out a startled laugh and shook her head even though he couldn't see.

"I just want you."

.::.

Okay, we didn't work, and all
memories to tell you the truth aren't good.
But sometimes there were good times.
Love was good. I loved your crooked sleep
beside me and never dreamed afraid.

There should be stars for great wars like ours.

(Excerpt from One Last Poem for Richard by Sandra Cisneros)