It's been a couple of months since I've been okay. I haven't felt okay in a while. The pain doesn't stop, it just gets easier to handle; maybe I'm sounding depressing, but it's 4 in the morning and I don't care about anything but remembering the love you once had for me. I don't understand how you can fully love someone then leave them and say you're both better off as friends or without each other. No one ever asked me what I bought was fair or what I wanted. I just went along with anything because it made them happy. I haven't thought for myself in a very long time that it's actually becoming a habit to please people. To please you... And maybe at times, I do forget who I am, or maybe who I never knew who I was... Every waking moment, I long to remember what it felt like to be loved by you. It wasn't the drugs or anything, you gave me a natural rush. One of those "once in a lifetime" rushes. I do not see myself with you because you've made me see that you're not going to want me the way I want you. I don't really want you either; I want your love. I want to teach you it's okay to love and it's okay to mess up along the way. I want to show you everything you missed out on. I don't want you for a pleasure. I feel every burning emotion when I remember I never lost you; you just walked away. You made me realize people do fear the fear of rejection because I've feared it, and yes, I have encountered it from you many times before... Maybe I am the fool. I am the fool because you can push me away and say many of times you don't want me in the clearest way, but I still want to be yours. I never felt such pain until you. I knew love hurt because I got my heart broken plenty of times before, but what do you do when you live in the heart break and it's all you feel? Possibly, I've grown to the ideas that heartbreak is the only thing I'm eligible to feel. It's been 7 months, and I still don't forget get the way you made me feel so... Alive. I can live without you, but how much more pain could I take? At times, I wish I never met you so that just maybe, I wouldn't be so screwed up. I'm a teenager, which is also meaning I'm going to forget about you in a couple of years, but my fear is what if I don't, or what if I don't even want to? You cannot force anyone to love you, and that's what I repeat myself when I get a certain urgency to feel your love. The crucial pain of never feeling good enough for you, is insane. I'll never let you know anything because you deserve to be happy without remembering you're the one who makes me sad. Then again, yes, it is my fault because I shouldn't allow someone to control my emotions. I think I'll always love you, kind of like a sire bond. I don't see anything bad about you, I love you and just as much as I love you, you need me. Or so you say. I was the one to make you feel anything, and you know that scared you because she was the last person to enter your heart, and she broke it to pieces. You can not live in fear of love, but who am I to talk? I live in it everyday. I seem very pathetic and I've noticed that, plenty of people may think I am. I don't care; I don't know my emotions except you know me best I let you in and you destroyed every good thing about me. I make you sound like the bad guy, but you're not. I can't help the way you feel. Sometimes, love gives you shit, and I'm the one stuck with just being here. I'll move on someday, but I'm just tired of waiting, and sitting around like you're going to change your mind. I keep living in the past, and it's my fault I'm not over you. But maybe it's because at 2 in the morning, I felt the rush of your heartbeat against mine, or at 4 AM, how it felt to lay beside you and sleep peacefully, or maybe how you lit up the stars in the sky for me, or maybe the fear of being caught by your grandparents, or maybe the constant stomach turning laughing we had at 5 in the morning in your yard because you couldn't go inside since you locked yourself out, or maybe it was when you cried to me at 3 AM telling me I deserved better. Better isn't anyone but you. I'm sorry I couldn't make you love me. All the other girls after me are much prettier than me, so I don't blame you. I just wish we could've lasted more, and the fact my heart still feels attached to yours amazes me. I'll always love you, and when I can let go, I will, but I'll keep holding these memories forever. You'll never understand how lovely you are, and to make you understand would take lifetimes. If this were another life, if still find you, I'd still repeat everything, even the pain. I sound insane, but oh know love can do that to you. I love you enough to say. If I had the chance, I would remove and erase every memory I have of you, I would remove the love I have for you. Not to be crucial, but to finally maintain happiness for both you and I. Then again, I cannot, and it's still 4 AM, and I'm still reminiscing us...
What we used to be. Together.
