~Insufficient~ ˢᵉᵒⁿᵍʲᵒᵒⁿᵍ

~1~ Insufficient...

Another pretty sad/deep Oneshot~

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~Pov. Hongjoong~

~Monday, 1 p.m.~

"Try to study a bit more next time."
My teacher said disappointed as he gave me my exam back.

Immediately my entire mood changed.

I didn't even see the grade yet, but from one second to the next, I suddenly felt guilt overcome my senses.

With a blank expression I looked at the piece of paper that was right in front of me.

It said 22%...
I scored 22%...
Only...

Out of nowhere I had this sick feeling in my stomach...

I knew I could do better...
I should do better!

Why doesn't it say 95%? 100%?
Why can't I score the best grade?
Why can't I do something right for once...?

"Try to study a bit more next time."

All they noticed was "that I didn't study..."

No one noticed the dark circles under my eyes. No one noticed my hands shaking due to the huge, unhealthy amount of caffeine I consumed every night.

But the worst part is that I actually tried this time...

"Try to study a bit more next time."

The words my teacher just said repeated themselves in my goddamn head.

But to me it sounded more like:

"Can't you do anything right?!"

It was an accusation. I felt attacked immediately.

The guilt ate me up from the inside.

Why haven't I pushed myself more to my limits? I could have gone much further. Overworking myself was a stupid, absolutely not healthy idea, but in my situation it was the only solution. There were no other options.

I needed good grades! I could only achieve this through learning, so I had to constantly overwork myself. Even when I really couldn't anymore, I had to keep torturing myself until I was close to faint.

Only the grades are important. Teachers determined my worth through them.

I wanted to be good- no, I wanted to be the best!

So they could be proud or at least satisfied, but nothing was ever enough...

They kept thinking that grades tell you something about intelligence.

But as you can see this was not the case.

Sometimes it didn't even say anything about whether you were lazy or not.

I had really tried hard, learned everything I should have learned, but still got a bad grade.

I really tried this time...

It wasn't fair...
It was far from fair...

I or what I did was never good enough. Nothing was ever even remotely satisfactory!

I felt like a shame, a failure!

The teachers and classmates showed me this mercilessly. Mostly they were subliminal, but of course I knew exactly what they actually meant.

The past few weeks I constantly kept on overworking myself only to get this result...

It all wasn't worth it.

The air grew increasingly hot as I slowly started to panic.

My failure literally killed me. I couldn't believe that even if I really tried I couldn't pass. Nothing I did was good enough.

I was such a failure!

My breathing became faster, almost uncontrollable, but I could not get any air. Pathetically I tried not to cry like the weak boy I am, swallow my overwhelming emotions that tried to drown me.

I felt like flying but maybe I was just dying at that moment.

I wanted to get all the cruel emotions out of me, till the point it made me wanna throw up.

The stress I tortured myself with showed within precious tears that slowly started to build up in my sparkling, brown eyes. But I did not let a single one ran over my cheeks.

Completely overwhelmed I bit my lip to muffle any noises that currently wanted to escape them.

I couldn't allow myself to cry in front of my classmates. They surely would laugh at me like always when I made a little mistake.

My breath which was already way too fast, became more shallow due to the huge amount of stress I suffer from.

With shaking legs I quickly stood up and left the classroom without asking. Not even once I turned back to look if someone would follow me.

I was so done...

So done being always a fucking useless failure!

I really can't do anything right, can I?!

I'll proof the opposite...

With little sobs that left my pinkish lips, I made my way to the roof of the school.

The way I knew it all would end one day like this. It was actually just a question about time...

Soon I arrived where I wanted to go.

The cold wind that hit my tiny body, made me shiver, as I noticed a sound that came from my phone.

I looked at it and saw that I got a message from Seonghwa, my love. He just wanted to remind me that we wanted to meet after class.

This sadly won't happen, I guess...

I knew what I surely was gonna do so I excused myself.

He immediately read my message, was a little bit disappointed at first but still let it pass.

With a sad smile on my lips I wrote my last message...

"Look, I finally did something right..."

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I'll probably try a Oneshot that includes fluff next time~