❤︎ 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙗𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙚𝙡𝙨𝙚 ❤︎

part 1

it has been a few weeks since my performance at jimmy kimmel and all i can thing about is him. i looked for him after the show but he was no where to be found. sometimes i think i imagined the whole thing. maybe he was never even there. it's not like i can ask Jaden if he saw him because they aren't exactly on speaking terms.

i love Jaden, and he's given up so much to be with me but i just can't shake the feeling that i'm supposed to be with someone else. it's more me wondering what my life would have looked like if i had went to college and been with Josh than my lack of love for Jaden.

Josh. i want to be able to talk to him, see how he's doing, maybe even spend some time with him, but i can't risk what i have with Jaden. Jaden makes me happier than i've ever been, and i don't know what i'd do without him, but i just have to see him.

maybe deep down i regret leaving him. maybe i wish i'd just done what we'd planned. it's far too late now. he's probably found someone else by now. someone who would have never thrown him away the same way i did. someone who truly loves him enough to stay.

"hey ness" my thoughts are interrupted by a voice walking into my room. Jaden lays down next to me and wraps his arms around me. "what's wrong" he asks making a concerned face at me. "nothing. just overthinking like i always do" i sigh and hug him back. "well whatever it is you can talk to me about it. you know that right?" he says.

not this.

"i know. that's why i love you" i say. he tells me he loves me too and goes to make us some breakfast. jaden moved in last week and it's really nice having him around.

i've always struggled with being alone and for once i have someone who's there when i get home from a stressful day. i honestly don't know how i would have survived my rise to fame without him.

that's one thing i don't think josh and i could have made it through together. when i was upset him and i would always end up fighting over something pointless. we'd work it out but i've been upset all the time these last few weeks.

everyday it feels like there's something else i'm doing wrong. one day people don't like me, the next the love me, and the next they want me dead. it's a rollercoaster but Jaden is teaching me how to get through it. we're doing it together and for that i'm so grateful.

i get up out of bed to get ready for the day. i start by straightening my hair and doing some light makeup. then i get dressed.
outfit:

i went downstairs to get breakfast and Jaden made me a plate of pancakes and eggs. we sat and watched tv for a while as we ate and talked. i wasn't planning on going anywhere today since i was pretty exhausted after being up late recording last night.

a few hours later it was early afternoon and Jaden suggested that we should go see a movie. "yeah sure" i tell him, "what movie?" he asks. after we looked at the showings in the different theaters near by we decided to go see the new spider-man.

we left the house and Jaden drove us to the theater. he held my hand the whole way there and sang along to the radio. our eyes met for a moment and that's when i decided that i wasn't going to think about Josh anymore. Jaden all i need now and all i'll ever need.

we got to the theater and bought some popcorn before settling into our seats. as we were sitting down i heard some familiar voices near by. you've got to be kidding me! i look over to see josh, Anthony , and Bryce all sitting a few seats away. what is Bryce doing here? i though he and Griffin went away to Indiana for college?

i decide not to say anything to Jaden because if he hasn't seen them, then maybe they haven't seen us. the movie starts and i've totally forgotten about who's sitting down the row, until i have to pee. i get up forgetting who i'm about to walk past, and just my luck i trip on Bryce's shoe. he apologizes and i'm so thankful that i look a little different because in the dark he doesn't seem to recognize me.

i quickly get to the bathroom and when i reach the theater door i hear a voice behind me. "you could at least say hi you know. since you tripped on Bryce and totally avoided looking at any of us" the voice said with a sarcastic tone. "hi" i said, "satisfied?" i ask Josh. he just laughs and asks me how i've been.

we talk for a minute or two but i'm desperate to get out of here because i'm afraid if i'm around him any longer i might lose it and doing something i'll regret. "i should probably go back in i don't wanna miss too much more of the movie" i say and don't want for him to respond. instead and quickly walk back up to my seat and sit back down.

i must be breathing fairly fast because Jaden asks if i'm okay. i hold his hand and assure him i'm fine. the movie ends and i quickly rush him out of the theater so we can get to our car before Josh, Bryce, or Anthony could see him or i.

"did you like the movie" Jaden asks me and i give him a basic yeah as a response. if i'm being completely honest i don't even remember the rest of our conversation. i was too busy thinking about what happened outside that door.

he actually spoke to me. after what i did to him, leaving him like that, i never thought i would see the day when he would even want to see me again. he easily could have just stayed in his seat but he came to find and talk to me.

after we get home i get into some pajamas and Jaden and i go to bed. i try to sleep but i can't stop replaying the moments of Josh and i's relationship in my head. i'll never forget that day on the beach when i told him how i felt. i was absolutely terrified that he wouldn't feel the same, but he did.

if i had known then what all would happen in the future, i don't know what i would have done. most of all even though i hate to admit it. i miss him, and i really hope he misses me too.