Three Simple Words

I Love You

"I love you," Tessa said leaning in. Three simple words. Said so many times. In so many ways. Each time unique in its own right. Those three simple words said and felt too many times to count from the first to the last, each with their own meaning. As Tessa repeated them, a few came to mind that got them there.

There was the very first time, before it counted. Before they both knew what it meant. The one said across the table, barely making it out of her throat through the tears, the only truth she fully allowed herself to share. That I love you was qualified with you're my best friend. Both were true. She had known she loved Mariah for a while, although she was still unable to fully love and be loved. That would take time. She was still caught up in a lie. Too afraid to share the truth about who she was. That I love you was premature. All it did was hurt. It meant I love you but I have to break your heart. I love you but I can't show you who I am.

The next I love you would be equally heartbreaking but in a different way, it was the kind that was silenced. Please don't say it. It can't be undone, unheard. Save it for someone worthy of it. Worthy of you. She wanted to hear those words from Mariah more than anything but she couldn't bear it. She knew if she heard them, she wouldn't be able to let her go and she needed to.

Then there was the I love you, as a means of an explanation, offered to slight skepticism and much distrust but still offered whole heartedly, I came back because I love you. I love you.

There was the I love you where words didn't matter, the I love you of finally fully giving themselves over to each other for the first time. That moment of clarity, of finding themselves in each other - truly making love. Those words, though not spoken, were etched across each other's bodies and souls, confirmed in action when the words just didn't seem fitting if they both hadn't said them yet.

There was the I love you that hadn't worked it's way to words yet but was in every interaction, just under the surface, through the love and care Mariah showed for her.

There was the I love you accompanied by a muffled cry of pleasure into Mariah's shoulder, as she did her best to keep quiet, against the door of the storage room of the coffee house, when a few quick kisses, turned into a makeout session, and then so much more.

There was the kind of I love you that gets carved into a pumpkin because someone was afraid they'd chicken out. Back then she knew those words didn't come as easily for Mariah, not like now. She would always feel grateful for them in any form.

There's the I love you said pleadingly when she messed up worse than she ever could have imagined, hoping that Mariah somehow could find it in her heart to forgive her and still love her despite. That was the kind of I love you said when everything was crumbling down and you're just trying to hold on.

There was the I love you delivered to her at her lowest when she felt so lost, so defeated, so cold, and so alone; the I love you of Mariah's arms wrapped around her, calming her down, telling her she knew she needed her and wasn't going to ever let her go.

There would be so many I love yous passed between the two of them over the next few years.

There was the kind of I love you declared in front of family and friends through a hot lava poem and heartfelt champagne toasts. Or the I love you, breathlessly gasped while teetering on the edge during a private celebration as Mariah enjoyed the only anniversary present she needed which had been waiting for her wrapped in just a hotel robe, with a few surprises in store for her that she wouldn't be forgetting.

There were the I love yous said with gratitude - Thank you for believing in me; for helping to make my dreams come true.

There was the I love you stated again and again through scribbled words and confessions, poems and beautiful lyrics in a journal that sat on an end table unopened though gifted. A journal with all the assurances in the world, filling page after page with remedy to insecurity, if it had just been opened:

Mariah, my love, you are everything to me, everything I need, everything I want, hold onto that when you cannot hold onto me.

If only she would have read those words, maybe she would have believed them. Maybe it would have given her enough to hold onto.

There was the desperate I love you from Mariah, following a terrible betrayal - begging for forgiveness, hoping that their life together and love wasn't destroyed. I love you said pleadingly when it felt like she had broken them beyond repair.

There was the kind of I love you when she was just as desperate to say and hear it again as to feel it. I love you stretched out against one thousand thread count sheets. The kind of I love you said when hurt and love intersect and forgiveness is found. The kind of I love you when realizing how close they came to losing it all, while simultaneously being in awe of how damn good it felt to be together again, as they rediscovered each other. They were broken but in that bed they would be mended.

Many more I love yous would follow. I love you - I will always be here and I am always yours. I love you - I will support you through anything. I love you - I love every part of you as gentle kisses and whispered lullabies were delivered to a growing baby bump.

There was the haunting I love you spoken into a darkened room. I feel you. I know you're scared. Hold on to our love, to its strength. I will never give up. I will find you.

There was the I love you in the form of a ring which had taken up residency in the pocket of her guitar case. A ring that carried with it a promise of that love. A ring she vowed to give Mariah as soon as she returned because she knew in her heart Mariah would be found.

While Mariah was missing, she felt her hands plead against inaction, finding herself unable to ignore that the love written on their hearts was too easily dismissed. Perhaps only a ring on her finger would have made it undeniable to those who doubted her intuition, her unequivocal certainty that Mariah did not leave her without a second thought - there was something seriously wrong.

That ring and the accompanying I love you was so long overdue. She wanted more than anything to finally make it clear to each other and the world, what she had been certain of for so long - they belonged to each other.

Upon Mariah's return, there would be the I love you - I knew you would come back to me. I love you - I feel you struggling. I love you - spoken to silence, wondering why are you shutting me out? I love you - I feel you slipping away.

There was the I love you of relief - we are going to be okay. I love you - we are okay.

Or the one uttered just moments ago, in their hotel room, sitting on the couch together, so filled with emotion, so certain. "I love you. I love you so much," Tessa said leaning in to meet an emotional Mariah for a kiss.

This was the kind of I love you that caused an overwhelming ache in your chest. An I love you felt in your bones. Their love started long ago but it swelled and it grew. It continues to grow. A love like this was felt thoroughly, completely, and wholeheartedly with their heart, one heart.

Three simple words to be spoken a million times more.

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