I didn't know I was drowning. There were no tidal waves or splashes to prepare me for this type of panic. There were no lifeguards or floaties to keep me above the breaking surface. There I was, suffocating. Anchors weighing me down, pulling me deeper into the depths of humiliation and exhaustion. I was helpless. Lost. Physically, emotionally, and mentally drained...
1:00 am Saturday, 5th of November, 5 months and 3 days earlier.
I listened to her muffled breathing as tears dried from her face. Not less than an hour ago I was trying to drown out the noise of our parents' terror, by rocking her to sleep. Not less than 30 minutes ago, the noise stopped and the house became still. Someone seemed to have put soundless headphones on.
Maelynn Rae, that's what my parents decided to name my sister. Just 2 1/2 years old and her world has already fallen to pieces before she's gotten to know it. See it. Experience it.
The door was cracked open and the tension spilled into my room. A broken vase with spilled water. My dad laid upon his recliner, wasted with his own thoughts, the alcohol bottle slowly drawing black circles around his eyes. He too was crying, slipping away ever so slightly into his drunken haze.
My mom had left, leaving her clothes, wallet, and unspoken words behind. My dad had never hit my mom, but the words he used might as well have been knives stabbed into her heart. They were not good for each other, but they had always said that they were "made for each other."
They had me when they were 18 and my dad asked her to marry him shortly after. She said yes and they became high school sweethearts. For about.. 4 more years. Then they started having "rough patches." They would fight and then my dad would buy her flowers and then they would repeat the cycle. Every day I would go to my closet and hide there. Trying to hide from the monsters that my mom seemed to see from my dad. 11 years later, they had Mae and that put a bandaid on their relationship. But, like all bandaids, that seemed to have worn off too.
Making sure to hold Mae extra tight, I slowly allowed my dreams to consume me and I fell asleep.
* * *
It felt like only a minute had passed when my mom shook me slightly and told me to quietly get Mae and put her in her car seat. Hours must have passed because my dad wasn't in his recliner anymore, but a trail of bottles led me to his room. I slipped on my coat and shoes and made sure to put on Maes and I walked outside. It was still dark, but you could see little bits of frost on the ground. It was cold, so I swaddled Mae before putting her into her car seat. She made a little groaning noise but stayed asleep.
"Sh.. sh... sh... Baby, it's okay, I'll find out what's happening." I kissed her on the forehead and sat next to the seat beside her.
The keys were already in the car, so I turned up the heater and cuddled myself. I felt like a little kid when there mom would cuddle them when they were sick. Except I was both the mom and kid. I watched from the window as little specks of wonder fell from the sky. Each one, unique in its own way, but yet so similar to every one.
My mom came out the front door and quietly shut it and then rushed to my side of the car. She opened the door and gave me a suitcase. "Hold this please." Her voice sense a tone of urgency.
"But Mo-" She closed the door and hurried into the driver's seat.
My mom was once a beautiful character, her hair shined bits of grey through it. Over time though, my dad's words started to eat her up and drew lines on here skin. Once a strong women, now jumped every time my dad entered into a room. She was a lost soul, rugged and tired.
"Mom, what's happening?" I said trying to make my voice not quiver, but loud enough for her to hear me and not wake Mae.
She stayed quiet. She stared blankly unto the road in front of her. She looked sad but relieved. "Jourdyn," She now stared at me through the rearview mirror. "I'm taking you and Mae to somewhere new. I.." She paused as if God has taken her words away from her. "I don't want to be fighting with your dad anymore... I found an apartment and we'll be staying there for a while.."
My mouth became dry. All I could do is look at her. There was a pain in her eyes. I looked over at Mae and she was sleeping soundly. "Okay." I breathed.
I stared out the window, hoping that I was dreaming. Hoping that somehow I misheard what she said. "How far is it?"
"About an hour and a half away. Your aunt is helping me pay for it and I'll get a job and I'll hire someone to take care of Maelynn or your Aunt will-"
"Mom.. what about my school?"
She sighed, "There's a school near the apartments. I've been thinking about this for day's Jourdyn."
"Okay." I was tired and she was too. There was a gap, a void that was left. I glanced at the car time, it read 4:13 am.
* * *
I woke up to Mae chewing on her blanket in the car parked in a torn-down-looking parking lot. The window was cracked open and my mom was gone. For a second, I didn't know where we were and started to freak out which made Mae scared and she started to cry.
"I'm sorry, Baby." I took her out of the car seat and sat her on my lap. "I didn't mean to scare you." She laid her head on my shoulder. I tried finding my phone but remembered that I left it on my dresser at my house. My used to be home.
Minutes pass by and still, there was no sign of my mom. Did she abandon us? I thought trying not to shake from the thought of it. She wouldn't ever do that I hoped to believe. The car read 8:35 am.
"Okay, Maemae. We are gonna get out of this car and try and find mommy. Okay?" She attempted to say something, but all that came out was a gurgle. She looked like a happy child, unaware of the troubles that will face her.
I grabbed Maes' blanket and carried her out of the car. As soon as I opened the door, an odor slapped us in the face. It smelled of vomit and old shoes. "Doesn't smell too good, does it, Mae?"
Surrounding us were run-down old apartment buildings. Each about 3 to 4 stories high. The color reminded me of an old coat rack, brownish, but the color running out. I walked to a smaller gray building. There was a sign above the door that read, "Tenants office." There was a short blacked hair lady at the front desk reading 50 shades of grey and listening to music.
"Hey.. uh... miss?" I said trying to get her attention. Papers scattered her desk and the news played on a small screen in the corner of the room.
"Yes? How can I help you?" She said boorishly.
"I, uh- Did a lady about mid-'30s with dark auburn hair and brown eyes come in here?" She eyed me and Mae. Sizing me up as if I was a mutant of some sort.
"I don't know."
"Okay, if she does. Can you tell her that her kids stopped by?"
"Yeah, okay." I walked back to the car and saw my mom standing there. Exhausted and worried-looking. She was glancing at her phone and then noticed us.
"Mom, what happened to your eye???" Her veins painted her right eye to match a tree in the winter. The bruising appeared to be the night sky, the blood vessels in her eye being a sewn string.
"Jo. Not now, I was looking for our apartment. I found it. I took the suitcase into the apartment, and I figured you were tired, so I let you sleep."
"But mom what happen?? Did Dad hit you?? I'll call the cops on him I'm not-"
"Jo.." Her eyes pleaded with mine.
"I'm sorry..."
With Mae, who'd fallen back to sleep on my left side, we walked up some cracked teeth stairs and passed a dying ac unit. Room 223 is where we stopped. My mom froze, almost as if time had. She got her keys and unlocked the door.
There was a single mattress with a sheet on the floor in the living room and small patches of mold blanketed the corners. There was a small hallway that led to a restroom on the right and a little pantry on the left. The kitchen was on the side of the entrance.
"MaeMae this is your new home," I whispered in her ear. "Mom?"
"Your father, he got too mad and hit me. He hit me and I walked out. We were arguing and he had too much to drink. He's never done it before and never will do it again. I- I walked out. I'm sorry I left- and I'm going back to get the rest of our stuff when we get settled."
"Mom... He shouldn't have done tha..! And no. You're not... You're not going back there. I will. I know how to drive, I have my driver's license. I can go today. We can go today. You can stay here and figure everything out." I say looking at Mae.
"Jo..."
I grasp her hand. "Mom. Please. I don't want you to go. I don't have school today and Mae likes car rides."
"Okay. Okay..." She sat down on the mattress. "I'll call your Aunt and her and I can get everything situated."
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too."
"I love you, Mae." She took Mae and gave her a big one.
She gave me Mae and laid down on the mattress. Closing her tiresome eyes, she softly reserved, "You can go. Don't forget to get Maelynns clothes, and get more blankets." She took a breath. "There's money behind the light switch in my room... his room. The money is behind the light switch in your fathers' room, " The bruise on her eye looked of a night sky. She looked small and done. "And Jo, take my phone with you, so you have it if anything goes wrong. Your aunt's name is the emergency contact."
As I walked past the crying AC unit and down the gritted stairs, a boy, about 17, bumped into me, and almost knocked me over.
"My bad. I"m kinda in a hurry. I didn't mean to bump into you. My bad." Sweat watered his face and he looked hot.
"It's okay." I gave a sorry excuse for a smile.
"You just move here?"
"Kinda, Yes. Today, this morning. It's a long story." I darted my eyes everywhere except for where his eyes were.
"Oh, okay. That's cool. Are you gonna go to Oscar Wales?" He said, looking at Mae and smiling.
"What's that?" I said as dumbfounded as I looked.
"The High school down the road, you're in school right?" He chuckled.
"No," I said blankly.
"Oh..." Ollie moved awkwardly.
"I'm joking, I do. I'm a Junior." I laughed, and the boy turned a rose red.
"Haha, you got me," He put his hand on the back of his head, like every boy ever. "Same, I'm a Junior as well. My name's Ollie by the way."
"Jourdyn, but Jo works."
"Okay, cool. Well if you decide to get back into high school. Let me know, I live just above your apartment. I could show you around."
"Okay."
* * *
I buckled Mae in, kissed her on the cheek, and constructively put a blanket on her. "Nice boy, wasn't he MaeMae?" I get into the Driver's seat and buckle myself in. I put my hands on the steering wheel and let myself rest there for a moment. I shut my eyes and imagined that I was in the country, riding down a dirt road and looking along the horizon. The sun just setting, painting the sky a nice mango color.
About 30 minutes into the car ride, I started to smell a really strong odor. "MaeMae, did you go poopie in your diaper?" She giggled and made more gurgling noises. I pulled into a gas station parking lot and looked into the back seat to find a diaper bag. There were 2 diapers, a binky, and some baby wipes. I grab the diaper bag and Mae and walk into the station.
There were a total of 5 people in the store. A red-headed man with a beard as long as his hair, a father and son cashing up their items with the Cashier, and a quiet-looking lady with two bags of chips in her hand, looking to decipher which one she wants.
I walked into the restroom and cleaned Mae up. As I was cleaning up her diaper, there was sobbing coming from the stall behind me. "Are you okay?"
It went silent. A girl with curly blonde brownish hair and blue eye liner going down her face walked out the stall, wiping her eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."
After I exited the bathroom, I dug in my pocket and found I had 3.78$. I grabbed a bag of goldfish and 2 water bottles.
I dug through the passenger seat and under Maes' car seat and ended up with 2 dollars and some change.
"Okay, you want some Goldfish MaeMae?" The cashier rung up the items and I went back to the car. I opened the pack for Mae, took some for myself and gave her the pack. Off to the road I went.
