Being as I frolic in the woods on a regular basis and often get bitten by various bugs, I've become convinced that I'll be contracting West Nile Virus or Monkeypox any day now. I decided perhaps I should protect myself and buy some insect repellant.
I went to CVS and surveyed the repellant choices. Some brands were "natural" (which translates to "doesn't work") and the stuff that wasn't natural had big orange stickers on it that proclaimed: "CONTAINS DEET!" DEET? What the hell is DEET? What sort of cancer does it cause? Will it eat through my skin? More importantly, will it keep the mosquitoes away from me?
I had to pick up a prescription, so I decided to ask the pharmacist, knower of all, about the potential dangers of DEET. Surprise! The usual bland pharmacist had been replace with Cute Young Female pharmacist, which made me pause, but whatever, maybe she's the sporting type and knows all about this DEET stuff.
Unfortunately, the second I opened my mouth, I was struck with another disease: Mentally-12-years-old-jokey-boy-who-can't-shut-his-face-in-front-of-a-cute-girl. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi, so I need repellent and it's got this stuff, and, um, can you tell me about DEET? Like, will it kill me?
Her: Well...
Me: Or, will it kill mosquitoes, and then kill me?
Her: I think...
Me: And it's got these non-warning warning labels. "CONTAINS DEET!" And I'm not sure what I'm being warned about.
Her: I...
Me: Because, I'm sure I'm going to get West Nile Virus any day now, so I have to weigh my options.
Her: Well...
Me: Because, you know, it's all going to kill me eventually, one way or another, right?
Her: Ha, well..
Me: What'll it be? The pesticides? The lead paint? The DEET? Ha hahhahaha SNORT ha!
Her: I don't think the DEET will hurt you. Just follow the package instructions.
Me: Okay, thanks. Wow, I just made a little snorty noise there, didn't I? (Yes, I actually SAID THAT TO HER.)
Her: Uh, that's okay.
Me: Okay, thanks! (flees.)
(written June, 2006)
