Go Figure

Chapter One

I was lying in bed when my alarm clock started beeping. Already 6:15 a.m. and I hadn't slept a single minute. Great.
I turned my alarm clock off and rubbed my eyes. What was I going to do? How was I supposed to get through school? It just didn't make sense to me. None of it. How was I supposed to wake up, get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, do work, get good grades, and repeat that every single day when all I really wanted to do was die? It's so terrible. I couldn't keep doing that; there's no way.
Somehow, I managed to make it onto the bus that morning without having a breakdown. I guess that counted for something.
Everybody on the bus was talking about the party that happened over the weekend, typically. Also typically, I had gone to that party; however, I couldn't care less about the Monday morning recap. People always tried to make the parties sound better than they actually were. Once something is over, that gives people the room to exaggerate it. It gives people the room to make something sound better or greater or more than it was.
Take the party that weekend, for example. Someone had gotten so drunk that they threw up in the bushes before passing out. (That was more than common at the parties that I went to.) I overheard someone say, "Dude, everyone thought he'd have to go to the hospital! Fucking crazy, man!"
Um, actually, nobody thought he'd have to go to the hospital. Who were they trying to impress?
People try so hard to impress others; I find it hilarious. Normally, I'd be laughing with Christina about it. Christina. A bolt of pain shot through my body at simply the thought of her name. Christina. I felt paralyzed. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. Christina. It felt like my blood was beginning to run cold. I felt numb. I stopped moving. Christina. Everything around me came to a screeching halt. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move a muscle.
"Hanna? Are you okay?"
I sucked in a deep breath, shocked back into reality. Loud voices. People talking and joking and laughing all around me. I slowly breathed out.
"Yeah, I'm okay," I said.
Hah.

-----

Everybody noticed that I had been talking less and less. Some shot me weird looks, others whispered behind my back. Except nobody asked me why.  Not even Evan took a second to ask me what was wrong; then again, I didn't expect him to. I never even really liked him. How could I like someone who was the reason I wore all this stupid makeup all the time? God, I hate it. I hate him.
The school day had finally ended. I pulled out a cigarette and Josh lit it for me. At least he pretended to care when everyone else had left. People think it's so great to be on top - and honestly it is - but when you fall, it makes getting up that much harder for you. I sighed and attempted to blow a smoke ring.
"Hanna banana," Josh smiled, taking a drag of his cigarette, "what's been going on?"
I shrugged, "Nothing new, just the same old crap that's been hurting me."
"Hey," Josh frowned, "it'll be okay. I promise."
"I don't know," I shook my head slowly and then took a long drag. "I don't know how much longer I can wait for things to be okay."
"Maybe things won't ever be fully okay again, with everything going on. Maybe you just have to look at the little okay aspects of your life to cheer up."
"Like what?"
"Well, you always have me."
I smiled. Josh was so unbelievably sweet. And he was so honest, never expecting anything back.
Josh stamped out his cigarette.
"I have to go," he said. "Soccer practice."
"Yeah, go ahead," I said. "Have fun."
Josh kissed my cheek.
"I really hope you have a good evening, sweetheart," he said, then ran up to the soccer field. What I wouldn't do to be with someone like him. 
After Josh left, Evan walked out of the school with his posse.

"Hey, baby," he smiled. Oh, my God, his smile was sickening. I hated it so much. I put on my sunglasses so that nobody could tell how I was feeling. Thank God for them.

"Hi, babe," I smiled, but of course not a real one. Only with my mouth. 

"You look hot today," Evan said. 

Duh. Of course I did. 

"I know," I smirked. 

Evan's friends, all standing behind him "oooohhh"d. Of course, Evan had to be in the front. How sad that he was so insecure he had to be on top of the food chain.

Evan walked closer and kissed me, right in front of his friends. I didn't kiss him back, but he didn't notice. Most girls want their boyfriend to be more comfortable with her around his friends, but Evan was too comfortable with me. Then again, he wasn't  my boyfriend, just somebody I was with. I hadn't had a real boyfriend in my life.

I think it was Evan's kisses that I hated the most about him. They were so slimy and disgusting, with nothing behind them; I hate empty kisses. Evan kissed rough and hurriedly, like we were always running out of time. It's not supposed to be that way. It's supposed to be slow and sweet and lingering. Not jamming your lips against someone else's. God. 

Finally, Evan pulled away. While he was still close, he whispered, "I saw you with Josh. Don't think I didn't." 

I took a deep breathe. Shit. Then, Evan pulled away and smiled again.

"That's my girl." 

I rolled my eyes. Did I mention how thankful I was for sunglasses? 

I lifted up my sunglasses to look straight at Evan's friends.

"Quit watching, pervs," I said before putting my sunglasses back on.

They all stood there, not the least bit ashamed. I smirked and walked towards Evan's car.