My little journal

What do I want?

You know what, this year I don't really want anything for my birthday. I feel like I don't deserve nothing; I didn't do anything good this year so why would i ask for something. And even if i did something good why would I want something.

Stop reapeating "What do you want for yoyr birthday, if you don't tell me I won't give you anything then" again and again. I hate my birthday as much as I hate myself.

I hate the fact that people that day just decide to say "Happy birthday" or give ME gifts/presents. I do not need or deserve anything.

Not only that but the fact that they bring a cake or somethinf just to sing happy birthday to you. I hate my birthday.

I started hating my birthday when all of this pandemic stuff happened, when all my friends left. That birthday was horrible.
For every single one of my friends everyone would tell them "happy birthday" but on my birthday that year non of them did. That's when I learned I was worthless and everything around me was fake.

I dont want anything material for my birthday. I dont even want to go to the theater and watch a movie.
I wish I could just stay and home, in my room, my dog and I, just sleeping till 4pm without nothing to worry about...
but NO its my "birthday"? I was born years ago why would anyone celebrate that.

STOP ASKING WHAT DO I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY I DONT WANT FUCKING ANYTHING ALL I WANT IS FOR IT NOT TO BE MY BIRTHDAY I HOPE NO ONE TELLS ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVER AGAIN I DONT WANT A BIRTHDAY I-

my dog is 8, i dont want to go to the theater, leave him at home, and them come back 3 hour later. I want to spend time with him. His mother died at the beginning of the year and i feel guilty i didnt spend much time with her please can we not go out on my birthday please please can we please not go out on my birthday i hate my birthday