short stories

Falling In Love

I met him through a good friend of mine and we got along. It felt like we had this instant connection from the beginning. Maybe it was a little bit too good. Or maybe I just wanted it to be.

I fought against it. I fought really hard but at one point there was no reason to deny it longer. I fell in love. Little did I know it was the beginning of the best year of my life, with an ending that almost ended me.

He was tall, fluffy brown hair and beautiful brown eyes. Oh how much I loved his eyes. He looked skinnier, but still a bit muscular. He was all in one perfectly fitting my type. Me on the other hand, I was small for a guy, straight short and purple dyed hair which I curled. That didn't alway turn out great. I was not really a sports guy and a bit chubby. I wasn't even a "real boy". I was trans and had just started Harmon Therapy. My voice didn't really changed much and I hated it. To be honest I wouldn't date me.

After we texted for a short time, we wanted to meet up.
I don't remember the last time I walked through my apartment, so stressed and panicking. I looked at myself in the mirror again and again, noticing every little detail on my body which bothered me. My face, wich looked so feminine, my short chubby body and my tired look.

I was afraid. I was afraid of what he'd think of me. What if doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm weird or what if I said something weird. But then I saw him. He was already there when I arrived at the Railway station. When I saw him, I felt like my whole body was shaking. But then I walked towards him, the second we saw each other I felt free from the worry I had. We walked along a river, almost three whole hours. It was great, I felt great. The whole time we talked. I don't remember what we were talking about but what I remember was that I was generally happy. No negative thoughts, no fear, just pure joy.

The second meeting was similar, except that we walked almost six hours. We walked along the same river. I felt so calm and safe.

After that, we didn't saw each other for quite a while. We stayed in contact tho. I wanted to see him again. I felt like I needed to see his face, his calming brown eyes. I felt like I had to hear his voice. His voice gave me comfort. I didn't know if he felt the same. Did he loved my eyes as much as I loved him? Did he miss my voice as much as I did his?

We decided to meet each other again. This time I had a plan. I tried to suppress the fact that I had fallen in love with him for way to long.
So I decided, that when we say goodbye, I will kiss him and then quickly get on the bus.

This meeting never happened.
Or at least I thought so.
He was quarantined.
In the two weeks he was quarantined, we wrote less and less. I tried to write to him whenever I had time. I even risked having my cell phone confiscated at school because I wrote him. His answers, however, were usually very short or came late in the evening. I was worried.
I often asked if everything was alright. He denied every time that something was off but I felt that this wasn't true.

He started to write in a different way he used to. His messages came across cold and disinterested. He seemed so distant. He changed his texting habits. It may sound silly but for example, I always wrote him "good night <3" before I get to bed and every time came "sleep well <3" in reply. We weren't in a relationship or such but It was part of my daily routine and made me happy. Probably because I was in love with him.

However, he had stopped doing so. The day his quarantine ended, I was in town buying last Christmas presents and I saw him. At first I was happy and wanted to go to him and hug him like every time we saw each other but I stopped. With him stood a boy, a little taller than him, slender and blue hair. They looked so happy together. Almost in love. I didn't know what to do, what to think. I know we weren't in a relationship. I know that he's allowed to have other people in his live which he's more physical with. But I thought we had a connection. I felt like my heart shattered. I took the next bus home. I locked myself in the bathroom. One of the few rooms in my apartment I felt safe. I noticed one and then more tears escaping my eyes. Why, why is this hitting me so hard?

I was pissed, not necessarily pissed at him. I was mad at myself. I had no right to get upset. After all, I wasn't his regular friend. Of course I was happy for him that he had found his special person, but it tore me apart. I had hope, he had given me hope. How naive I was. Why did I thought he could love me? I couldn't even love myself either. I was just a small fat tranny and unlike the slim blue hairy boy I'm worth nothing...

We still had contact from time to time. Then, a few days after I saw him with the blue haired guy I had the courage to tell him how I felt. I cried. I felt so stupid. Crying over a boy who was seemingly in love with someone else.

To my surprise, He was understanding. And I was way more surprised when he invited me. He invited me to his place. The plan was that I would go to him in the evening and we would watch movies. And we did. On my way to his place I was as excited as the first time I saw him. I mean, I was on my way to his home. To watch movies.

But when I got there, I felt so calm. The first person I saw was his little brother. Then his mom. She was really nice. She had a good energy and I felt welcomed. When I entered his room, he didn't notice me at first. It wasn't until I tapped him on the shoulder, that he turned around and hugged me tightly. And again, I felt happy and safe.

We watched Harry Potter, like two or three movies. We sat on his bed, My head rested on his shoulder and we were both relaxed. Or at least that's what I felt like.
Then it was time for me to go home.
I didn't want to go home, I could've stayed there, in this position for the rest of my life.

He brought me to the door and we hugged. We hugged for a long time. And again I felt like I could last in this position for a very long time.
We loosened up a bit and looked into each other's eyes. It felt like the time stand still. If we had continued to stand like this, we would certainly have kissed. But I only realized it after I walked away.