Random Thoughts/Vent Book

December 20th, 2021

My day so far has been meh. My mom went to work and my sister went with her dad for the week so it's just me and my grandparents and my uncle's girlfriend who I really like cuz she's really nice. My weekend was pretty basic. I did some skateboarding, art, still writing a chapter for my one shot book, procrastinated the almost 30 assignments I have.

I tried to do them all but then I got to sign my work and I just lost all motivation for it and then hyperfix it on something else. I finished watching Fullmetal Alchemist, so I'm going to watch the movie then, the show Fullmetal alchemist brotherhood. Then I'm also catching up on Demon Slayer, Haikyuu, and Jujutsu Kaisen.That's basically been my entire year.

Something I did that I was really proud of was when I had thoughts of unaliving myself or hurting myself I was able to stop myself. I only burned myself with the iron once but it's not like a razor scar where it might go away eventually this one's permanent. But my depressive episode didn't really help all the school and everything else I have to do.

Every minute of every day there are a million thoughts running through my head at the same time and it's either I try to focus on everything at the same time or focus on absolutely nothing. Constantly worried and trying to get everything done but at the same time I could care less just want to be in my bed and do absolutely nothing all day. Something I would like to change is my body, my voice and my closet because all my clothes don't match the style I have now.

And I wish I could change my body and my voice because they give me dysphoria and I don't get perceived as a guy as much as I want to. Ma is getting me and my sister a new phone. Oh I came out to one of my friends as a trans boi. She accepted me, supported me, hyped me up and then she called me a cinnamon roll which made me really happy. I found out that my best friend had a crush on me at the same time I had a crush on them 2 years ago.

But then i had got with my now ex-gf and now i have a crush on them but they just got out of a relationship. And i don't even know if i have a chance now plus i'm not supposed to date. We haven't seen each other in person in 2 years but I really want to see them in person even if we aren't dating. Then our other best friend I haven't seen in 2 years either but I've kept in contact with both of them and I really want to see him too.

I also think I might have ADHD instead of BPD so I talked to my mom about it yesterday and she's going to take me to get diagnosed but I don't know when. Oh and I almost did an ollie the other day. So I'm getting better at that too. I kind of just wish everything would stop that all my problems would just go away. At the same time I'm pretending that I'm fine, that nothing is wrong and I'm a perfect guy that has it all together.

I'm trying to be the light and everyone else's darkness and I know I have a community here on Wattpad I can talk to when I need to and they tell me I'm not a burden but that's not what the voices and the thoughts say. And for some reason I believe them and I can't make them stop, I just want everything to stop. And I feel like I'm too scared to do anything detrimental because then that will put a burden on my family and no one needs that right now.

I'm so sick of this it's like I need a break from everyone. I just want to get an RV or a van and go on a trip and breathe. Just to experience something without having to deal with everyone and everything. Sorry if this was too long or makes you worry about me. I just thought I'd let my emotions out somewhere. I always say to talk to somebody even if it isn't me whenever my friends are going to something.

But I guess I've always been the person to give advice and put everyone before myself but never take my own advice. I kind of feel like I've just been stuck on repeat for the last few months. That's probably why I'm not excited for Christmas with your King's Day or New Year's or anything anymore really. It's like I've just disconnected my feelings and emotions but at the same time I'm feeling everything at once.

And it's like I want to be there for everybody. I want to make sure the people I care about here on Wattpad and in real life are okay but then it's like I don't care if I'm okay cuz as long as everyone else is okay I'm okay right? Well I mean that's what I've always said even when I was a kid. I feel like I'll be really happy, riding that manic and then I come crashing down faster than an asteroid.

I guess I never really talked or told anybody was because if I did they'd say I'm doing it for attention, because I'm a drama queen, I can't take a joke, I'm too serious, to pessimistic, too much of a dream crusher, too much of everything yet not enough for anything. I have so many assignments and so much crap I need to get done I was supposed to update my on Saturday cuz that's when I usually update and then I pushed it to Sunday and then I pushed it to today but I really want to finish it because I told someone I was going to publish it today and I'm going to go to that.

If you have gotten this far thank you for reading my emotional roller coaster sorry for the bumpy ride. The picture is my lock screen I didn't draw the picture I only added the text. Happy Holidays and have a nice day/night everyone.
-TheEmoPunkIsaiah 🖤