a 16 year old self love journey

heart and soul

yeah it's me, in the flesh. I'm not sure why I have this urge to start journaling. I think it's because
sometimes I feel really alone and want to talk to someone but I feel like there's not many people who I can trust, that's why from now on I will start letting my feelings and thoughts with you out, and I hope you are prepared because I can be a little over-thinker and really irritating sometimes.

Right now in school is complicated. I'm a social butterfly and I really like being friends with everyone but I feel like I don't have real friends... If you know what I mean. I don't really have deep connections and everyday. I realize how many toxic people are in my life not really doing me any good.
In the last couple of weeks I realize that many people use me and take advantage of me because of my
kindness, but now I'm really starting to feel dumm about it because I don't do anything to change that,
I just let them use me. I need to learn how to say no and stop caring so much about someone not liking me.
That is my biggest problem I think. I have this urge to be liked by everyone and don't have stress with
anyone, I always want everything to be perfect, happy and without drama and stress, but that's is not what life is about. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. Life is about growing and becoming every day a better person. Life is about making what makes you happy and following your dreams. Life is a roller coaster, it has ups and downs and that is what makes it exciting.
I just want to become everyday a better version of myself, surround myself with people that give me good vibes and energy and are there to cheer me up whenever I need to be cheered up. I want to live the fullest life posible, doing things I'm passionate about and inspiring people to do the same thing.

Last month was complicated, I had so many ups and downs. I went from the happiest I ever been, from
being literally in love with myself to don't even want me to look in the mirror. From thinking I have so
many great friends and people in my life to feeling completely alone. From being really good at school to don't have the motivation anymore. But why does this happened?
The Answer is, I start letting my mistakes define me. I committed one mistake and I felt so bad about it that I started believing I was a bad person. I let this little mistake take over my life and destroy all the progress I made in the last months.

This year 2021 was a very rough year. We are in times of Covid-19 and that doesn't makes it easier. In
January I was at my lowest point ever and no one knew, I was really struggling with my mental health and I was depressed. When someone noticed that I wasn't okay I always deny it because I knew If I accepted the fact that I wasn't okay, It would become my reality and I wasn't ready for that.
There were rough months under denial where I didn't try to search for help because I didn't thought I needed it. I completely lost myself and didn't even knew who I was anymore. I stop doing the things I love most, I stop talking to my friends, I stop eating, I stop doing sport....I just wanted to disappear.
The problem was me not feeling good enough and wanting to completely change myself. I used to look through my social media and see all this beautiful human beings and ask myself why I couldn't look like them or have their life's. I thought If I look a certain way I would be happier but guess what, I lost 10 kg and I still didn't felt good enough. That is when I realize you won't be happy just because of having the society beauty standards, you will be happy the day you accept yourself in all your forms, with all your flaws and love who you are and stop comparing yourself to others. You are unique and that is what makes you special and beautiful. Your heart and soul is what is really valuable here.