Cliffside

Ch. 1

please, please read the description for trigger warnings. this fic deals with very heavy topics. i highly recommend you don't read this if you relate to the way the characters in this fic feel.

try getting help before reading!! thank you.

also, i love you.

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Y/n.

It's not that she wants to die. It's really just the desire to have never existed.

If she never existed in the first place- then there'd be no chance of her becoming loved. And the obligation to keep existing wouldn't feel so overwhelming.

She wants to go back to the blissful nothingness that she was before she existed. She doesn't know how, or when, or really why she even got to this point- it's never really one thing. It isn't black and white, neither this nor that because this or that is cause and effect, and cause and effect is because of one event and another.

Emotional despair is far more straightforward than emotional numbness. The reason for her sadness was explainable, tangible, she was able to point fingers, she was able to blame. But what's to point at for her lack of feeling? Not her trauma. She's already felt for her trauma. She's done feeling, now.

The only thing Y/n feels- is like she's on autopilot.

She isn't tired. She isn't full of energy. She doesn't want anything. Not much can get under her skin. She's just- breathing. Existing, because it's the only thing she seems to be good at.

She feels like her schedule is muscle memory at this point. It's like she's waiting for her cycle to be broken without actively trying to break it herself- it sucks that she has to break her own cycle before she can really start improving because she knows she won't break it anytime soon. There really isn't a reason to.

So she passes her mom working in the living room, presses a kiss to her temple and wishes her a well afternoon, then sets off for her run.

It's pre-summer- at least, it's what she likes to call it. The weather is cool and there's a nice breeze, especially since it's mid-evening. Not exactly nightfall, but the purple is washing out the dark orange in the sky and the moon's visible, surrounded by random stars. They don't twinkle and they don't shine, but maybe it's just her perspective- there are plenty of people pointing and awing at the beauty of the moon as she passes by, so...

Y/n takes the same path every evening. Down her block, downtown, through a construction site, and her final stop is the cliffside. If she were to go any further, there'd be a bridge that would lead her to the other side of town- a side she doesn't care to explore. Her path takes enough energy from her as it is.

If she's feeling up to it, she'll walk back, if she's exhausted, she'll take a train, and then she'll skip dinner and head to bed.

That's her schedule, it's her repetitive cycle, and perhaps she should be more worried about doing nothing to change it, progress forward, but- she simply doesn't feel like it.

Y/n's thinking, as she runs through the rather noise-lacking construction site, that she'll take the train back. She feels more tired than she typically does and she isn't in the mood to admire the view of the 'beautiful' town or hear the happy chatter of people as she walks by.

She doesn't get to completely settle on her decision, though, because something catches her eye once she steps foot into the territory of her last spot- the cliffside.