(Sorry I don't update shit not that anyone cares but whatever here you go tw btw eating disorder cuz I'm sorta venting a little bit)
I'm sitting here in the bathroom crying. Why do I look like this fat thighs, fat stomach, thin hair, big nose, flabby arms. Corpse just left we had a good time, watching the new Spiderman movie while cuddling.
Of course the only thing I could think of is his hot hands grabbing my icky fat waist. He roams my body acting as if I'm a god. She's not a god far from it. Why does he worship the body only the devil could stand. Hands on my thigh but I can't stand it, can't stand the rise of vomit building up in my throat ready to flood over like a waterfall surging over the edge. I stare at myself in the groggy mirror. Pieces of that low calorie popcorn smeared over my face as well as gummy worms and ice cream. Ice cream is the easiest coming up. nobody tells you how it is because nobody wants to think of it as a bad thing. We glorify our friend that is eating us alive. We feed them but we starve. In my head I broke this mirror already but I must keep my composure, I am in control, I am in control. I feel my heart spring from my chest.
" Babe I left my phone!" I panic not knowing what to say. Footsteps of my love scatter the floor of my home. " Baby where are you?" He asks. I stand there looking in the mirror—stunned— I don't know what to say my through gurgles as I try to make words but all that comes are tears and vomit. I have to get this out before it sticks. Before it sticks to the walls of my stomach. Cascading down my chin, I wipe the gooey, gross, chunky liquid with toilet paper. " babe?" He asks with more uncertainty than before I want to tell him to leave, or to stop worrying but I can't bring myself to.
I need help. You don't need help. Yes I do you're fine no I'm not I feel pitiful stop lying to yourself you're nowhere near pretty enough I hear the door open, he looks at me hurt and sad " babe." He croaks out. I look at him in a daze. "Im sorry" I whisper throat aching from the stomach acid leaving my mouth. "I'm gonna help you get better" he comes closer to me, I shift away. I can't even look at him he's going to leave me I'm sure of it nobody tries to help. He wouldn't want a fat girl anyway.
" look at me" he says. I keep my eyes trained to the floor "look at me" he says once more this time resting his finger under my double chin not even caring of the vomit. I feel sympathy when I see his dark eyes building up tears. " I love you" he says.
No he doesn't . Im unable to respond how could he love me. I wish I could say it back but if I say it he will leave me, break my heart, I can't let that happen. " its ok you don't have to say it back just know that I love you and were going to get through this."he says " do you realize how much I love you." I just stare blankly. HE'S LYING. He's not I love him. NO YOU DON'T I can't be that ugly QUITE THE CONTRARY
" STOP!" I yell out " GO AWAY" Corpse stands up softly. " not you" I look at him he looks broken, we both look broken. " don't go, stay with me" he's confused and I can tell but I just want to be loved, and I'm afraid it's impossible. I watch him, my lovely angel wipes the toilet and cleans my mess. I never do anything. I'm sorry I keep saying but he doesn't say a word, just holds me and hums his deep raspy tone. That's how we fell asleep. broken, in a bathroom, dried tears on our faces, but together.
( I thought that I deleted this while I was writing and I almost had a fucking panic attack, again it's been too long but here you go here's my rant and if you relate to any part of this story like I do, I'm sincerely sorry)
