December has always been a favourite of the Sagg. Not because it's birthday month or that it's Christmas month, spirit of giving, the beauty of snow and lights that can be captured in one single image. Okay, maybe a little. However, it is undeniable that this month genuinely holds something special - an unexplainable, indescribable emotion for reflection and relief that the year is coming to an end.
Maybe birthdays don't mean a lot to you but it does to me. To me, birthdays are like little milestones of your life. I'll always look back on my birthdays and be thankful to the people that I still have and the memories of them forged in my mind museum thus far.
The Birthday Epilogue. The Sagg viewed any year's entirety similar to that of a play. Not just any play, my own play. December has always been special due to this one trait. The power to playback the year's entirety like that of a show, to mark constants and beautify changes. All of the year's memories in film images rolled up in a black plastic videotape. Before the Sagg went over to replace the old videotape and label it "Twenty-One", he fast forwarded the tape once more. A ride of emotions starting January till where he was standing right now. Laser focused, he brought himself back to each disappearing past that he could capture between the quick intervals.
Call it luck, fate or destiny but we can't never deny that it was that piece of paper that god knows who placed it there that started something really magical. I will forever be dumbfounded by the fact that it all started because of that innocent piece of paper. How something so small created a cascading effect to something so big and bright. Yet, I will be eternally grateful that the person behind that door is you.
The Sagg chuckled to himself. It has been a grieving yet growing year, hasn't it. The Sagg looked at the young version of himself earlier this year, filled with euphoria and glee. That felt really good. I remembered feeling really good. The Sagg envied his old self as his eyes scanned the past to relive history once more. To reminisce all the nostalgia of feeling loved and happy again, only to realise it's all a fragment of his memory to cope with his loss.
Under the same unbothered ceiling. Under the same euphoric sky. Under the same illusion of love. You have never failed to make me ponder about the millions of the unknown in our little universe. You always had the ability to take me to places with your words. For lighting the darkness of my night, for embracing the cold with your warmth, for settling my nerves with your eyes. You're a real special one. And I'll never forget that.
The Sagg reached the halfway mark of the year. July, and saw fewer and finally none of her images. He remembered the air of despair for all the times he coughed. The Sagg knew he'll never reach that level of happiness again. Happiness is overrated. Isn't it? Happiness isn't a destination, it's not a life goal, then why is everyone trying to be happy? What happens when we don't feel happy one day? Does that mean we've done something wrong? Does that mean we're flawed? No. It doesn't. The Sagg remembered walking on the familiar trail they used to walk on. Each step marked the fragility of the dying relationship. He backtracked the steps as though he was scooping time back into his arms, in hopes that he could make a difference. The sceneries looked so familiar. Now that you're gone, you're all that I could think about.
Don't hope for happiness because the indulgence for that level of dopamine will eventually kill. Crave for purpose, fulfilment to do good and in that process, happiness will find its way back again. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've always been in such a flurry. A flurry to dive straight to things when things aren't right to me and quick to point fingers. Rather than taking a step back and accepting that some things couldn't be reverted back.
The Sagg remembered the route to find fulfilment. It wasn't an easy feat, especially when the brain in him was designed to kamikaze. The darkest shadows are casted over your own figure. And in front of him was a cake, two thick and two thin well-lit candles. The four orange flames danced in the dark, leaving wax footprints by the second on the white vanilla cream. The Sagg closed his eyes to craft his silent wish. He couldn't help but bring back this one memory.
"What do you always wish for on your birthdays?" The Capri asked the Sagg after he blew his candles.
"Hmm. Pretty lame. Normally just happiness."
"Happiness for yourself?"
"Nope. Happiness for all. I just wish that everyone will be happy, plain and simple."
"You're really sweet. Using your single yearly wish for others. I always wish for people's safety." The Capri stopped and looked towards the Sagg. "I agree with happiness but safety is so important. But with that being said, life without happiness would be so bleak too."
"Why would you choose safety though?"
"Maybe cause I'm a worrywart." The Capri blushed. "There was a period in my life that I worry about people not coming home, not going back to school. Not knowing when you'll ever see them again. That scares me."
The Sagg patted her head and gently reassured her. Safety.
In his mind, he wished. For everyone to find happiness through purpose and safety through love. And the flames extinguished with a puff of gushing wind, welcoming the age twenty-two.
Remember how I said I'll start the year with your birthday and how you'll end the year with mine? Well, it's been lonely watching this epilogue myself.
The Sagg stared into the videotape in his hand and tossed it aside. Now I have to remember you, longer than I have known you.
