Silence. She lies in silence, listening to the in and out of his breath. The ceiling fan hums, and she worries about the knick on her leg bleeding onto the sheets.
Ordinary. She is exceptionally ordinary. The comfort of that statement floods her psyche. To be ordinary is to know safety. And as much as safety is her lifeblood, it is also her poison. Ordinary feels boring. She feels sick in the deepest pit of her stomach when she realizes she is ordinary.
Her favorite people are reckless. Their lives pay the price for their risky lifestyles, but she admires the courage it takes to be spontaneous, different, independent. It's not that she can't do anything on her own. She just finds safety in the "recommended" path. The truth is that she loves him. Marrying him was a good, strong decision. They are happy. She doesn't regret that decision. She just wishes her life experiences would reflect someone that said yes and didn't worry so much about being responsible.
A therapist once told her that she was stuck being "the good girl." It was her identity. Despite her accuracy, she hated the therapist for saying this. "No," she thought. "I want to be bold and inspirational." The good girl is rarely inspirational. However, the good girl is a lot of other things. She is easy to be around, anxious, hopeful, at times selfless, stable, predictable, and even-keeled. For many people, these are desirable qualities.
The thing that bothered Megan the most about her ordinary existence was having moments of awareness. She would be daydreaming about planning a trip to the zoo or brainstorming about the week's dinner menu when it would hit her that friends and acquaintances were busy touring Zimbabwe, painting the walls of their new local bridal shop business, opening for country singers, and scheduling auditions for actors in Hollywood. Was this just jealousy or was in disappointment in who she turned out to be?
Instantaneously, Megan would feel guilty. She had a beautiful, healthy daughter and a strong marriage. She owned a home, two cars, two dogs, and had a master's degree. Her life was ideal by some standards.
