My eyes followed her as she took hasty strides down the hallway, bustling with people. I never took my eyes off of her, never let myself blink. Even through the crowded corridor, whatever glimpse I could catch of her, I caught. Her deep eyes locked with mine for not even a second, but I felt my stomach twist inside. She carried her tote bag ,hanging from her shoulder, into the classroom beside mine, her wavy platinum hair flowing behind her. It was wrong, I know, to feel like that for her, but that just made it feel so right.
I was watching today, for her look. I waded through the hundreds of kids crowding the hallways, rushing towards my class as always, waiting to see her sat there, watching for me. She is always there, never missing a day of school. She hates it though, that I know. I've been here at least 2 years, her for 3, soon to be 4. It's been 1 since i've seen her wondering the pathways between lessons with an empty bag and red eyes. My home room has been beside hers these past few terms. She'd never skipped before last month, and it was strange. I walked down the hallways that Friday morning expecting to see her sat there as always, and to lock eyes with her for a split second before I turn. Her green eyes. Her auburn hair wavy, covering her face, sitting just below her shoulders. Her smile glows. It's not real, but it glows. And she is pretty, too pretty for her own good. She doesn't see it though. Hidden in the dark corner of the classroom, her 4 friends seated around the table chatting and laughing, she stares silently. She is always silent. Mostly. My eyes catch hers today, much like most days, but today feels different. She looks the same, but totally different. Tears glaze her eyes and shine in the light. She looks at me still though, as ever, and I know she is smiling behind me.
"Grace?" "Here!"
"Alfie?" "Here sir!"
"Alyssa?" "Morning sir!"
"Kady?"
"Kady, I can see you. Answer me!" Mr Kent demanded. I didn't hear him, though. I couldn't hear anything, it was as if I was underwater. Everything I saw was zoomed out and I felt dizzy, as if someone was squeezing the air out of me, and I couldn't get it back in.
Megan shook my arm, grabbing me by the wrist. It burned, but I couldn't feel the pain. I pulled away though, trying to focus on the wall, wishing the room would stop spinning.
"Kady!" I realised I was in class.
Sir was calling the register.
"Oh um, good morning. Sorry sir."
"Don't be sorry, be better!"
'Be better.' Those words stung like a bee. Words i'd heard so many times before, you'd think would have no impact, but wow that hurt.
People do say the truth hurts. And it is. It is the truth, I mean. I need to be better. For her. I need to be smarter. Faster. Skinnier. Prettier. Happier. Stronger. Maybe then she would notice me. Maybe then she would feel the same pain I feel every day. The pain of hiding who I am. How I feel. I wish she knew how I feel.
I heard him. I heard what he said to her. I hope she didn't hear. Hope to God. She's fragile, but she's so strong, so amazing. She's so perfect. I opened my laptop, pretending to work as I smiled at my screen thinking of her. The yelling keeps pulling me back though. "Be better." There's no possible way she could be any better. Something was off about her though. Today she just seemed different. The bell rang as I began to stand, repacking my bag, pulling my coat on before lifting the bag to my shoulder. 'Shit. Shoelace.' I stopped to tie my shoe as everyone else filtered out of the room. I pulled the door shut behind me, and peered into the class beside mine. She was there, the only one there, hardly noticing me as she ambled slowly out of the room. Her usually tan skin looked pale as ever, and her face was pink and puffy. She didn't look healthy, but she still looked beautiful. I watched as she rounded the corner ahead of me, and then again as I passed her. I stopped though, she had stopped. She sat propped up against the wall, tears staining her face. Fear overwhelmed me as I tried to speak to her, so I didn't. Again, my eyes locked with hers. She stood, never taking her eyes off of me. Then something happened. She smiled. A real smile. We walked together, around the huts, past the quad to our lessons, never speaking. Her hand reached out for mine as we moved. I gripped onto her too, our fingers interlacing. I felt sick. Good sick.
