I don't know how I ended up here. It's not a pleasant place to be, but I'm so used to it now that anywhere else feels strange.
To be honest, I didn't really believe this place existed. So if you would've told me years ago that I'd no longer be an extroverted, think-on-the-fly person, I wouldn't have believed that.
I'm in this hole now. I don't want to be here. I don't think anybody ever would. But I'm going to think positive because, I mean, it's not a very deep hole. It could definitely be so much worse. There's people all around me, so if I need someone, I could just call out for one of them. They've all told me, "If you need anything, let me know." And so many people said that. There's no way this could get worse with so many people willing to help me.
There. See? I just got a visit from my best friend. I sat on the edge of my hole while we talked. It felt so good to be around her, but I did feel very aware that people passing by could see that I've been in this hole. I don't look the same. I guess the hole is starting to effect how I look. That's fair. I don't really have much to do besides eat. And there's not much room for physical activity. I do look a little dirty from the hole too. Just force it out of your mind. Your best friend says you look fine. Come on. Would she lie to you?
Wow. Look at your beautiful children! They're growing up so fast and they don't need you as much. But, hey, think of the freedom you're getting now. But with that freedom is also fear. Your beautiful babies are your entire heart and soul. What if they do something that drastically effects their life? What if it's ended completely? I need to stop that from happening! But if I interfere too much, they get pulled down into this hole with me.
Am I sinking? I definitely feel like this hole has gotten a little deeper. It's probably because I carry my brother on my back. I sometimes forget because he's not very heavy. I wouldn't carry him if I didn't want to. Plus I don't trust anybody else to carry him. The daily struggles he has from his special needs are physical and mental. So any trouble I have are minute compared to his.
I hear someone yell down to me, "Do you know you can get help carrying him?"
"Okay, how?" I shout back.
"You just have ask!"
That's great! Okay, now I just need to-. Shit. What was I doing? Oh, right! The help. But do I really want that? There's a virus going around out there. It's killing people with underlying health issues like my brother. He's safe on my back. I can't let our mom down. She did it for years, with help, but I can do it for her. I can be stronger.
I feel alone again.Wait, I have a partner who can help me. How could I forget that? I love him so much. Before I was in this hole, we used to do so much together. He reminds of that all the time. I think the hardest part for him is that we can't be physically connected while I'm in here. This hole has really distanced us, but I can ask him for help despite that.
"Sorry, hun, I can't be there. I have to work and then my buddy needs help. He's done a lot for me and he doesn't have anybody else. And then I have my own things I need to do for myself so I don't end up in in hole like you.. You understand, right? You should really ask someone to help you out of that hole. Did you ask your best friend to help? She's asked you so many times but you don't go up."
I just nod my head. He's right. He has his dream job now. It's the dream I had for him as well. He had been so down on himself for so long that he was almost in his own hole. And his friends need him. His big heart was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He also can't be bothered with things I need him to do on his days off. When is he supposed to relax? It would be nice if he could pull me out for awhile so we could spend time together. Kind of like my best friend did when we sat on the edge. But do you remember the way that felt? People saw you like that. You could definitely see that you've been in a hole. Even if they could ignore that you're bigger than you've ever been, they will see the dirt all over you. People know.
That's it! I'm done with this! I don't want to be in here anymore! Every day I watch people walk by my hole. Sometimes they shout down, "Hey, did you know you're in a hole? You should really get help for that. People do it all the time. You have to want to help yourself because nobody will even know you're down there."
They're right. But I have been trying. My hands and feet show that effort. I've been trying to climb out of here for...how long has it been?
I remember. My mom is gone. She left and took part of me with her. That's why I stumbled into the dip in the ground. I don't know when or how it turned into such a deep hole, but here I am. I just wish my aunt wasn't gone too. She was like a second mom. That's another piece of my heart that's missing. The two people who could've, and would've kept me out of here, are gone. I miss them.
It's dark. It's scary. I don't like the whispers that I hear in this hole. If I couldn't see my children's faces looking at me from the edge, I know I'd let this hole swallow me up in it.
"You won't be missed. People know you're down here, yet they do nothing to lift you out." The whispers say. "You could just go to sleep and never wake up. Think of all the people that you miss. You could see them all again. It would be so easy. No more pain, stress, thinking, or fear. Those children will be better off without you. You're just going to drag them down with you anyway..."
"NO!"
I yell so loud that I feel it reverberatearound me. Little white flowers begin to sprout from the walls of the hole.
"Eat one of those flowers every day and you will slowly rise out of there." Someone yells down to me from the top.
I do as she says, and I eat one every day. She was right. I'm slowly moving up! It's only waist deep now and I can see all the people that have been passing by my hole.
"Hey, everybody! Look, I'm coming back!"
Everybody keeps walking around and going about their business. Sometimes I get a smile and wave from someone. That feels nice. It's a start, I guess. I can't expect it to be like it was before I went into the hole. They've all learned to live without me and I'm happy they did. If they had held on too much, I might have dragged them down with me. My best friend had tried to pull me out so many times, but I couldn't go any further than the edge. I let what the hole was doing to me keep me back. She's fighting to keep herself out of her own hole. I'm waist deep in mine. I should be happy about the progress.
I've been in this hole for so long that now my kids don't know what it's like to have me around as a whole person. I've just been the mom they shout down to in the hole.
I can feel myself sink a little. This isn't going to end, is it? I'm going to always fight to stay out of here. Or at least enough to be at waist deep so that there's something of me around.
This is tiring. This is depression and anxiety.
