Ramblings from Nobody

My Life In Poetry

why were we never the people that we thought we could force onto our personalities and our pasts. why were we always one step away from the beautiful life that every single person in this world has thought about and yearned for. my heart aches and twists at the idea of my past and maybe my future but my present is what haunts me and it hasn't even gone yet. i miss the times when life were so much easier and the pain of the world hadn't set in so strongly and grabbed tightly to my neck like a noose in this life that were all forced to live when really were just born to die so why is this the life we have made and the graves we have dug and buried ourselves in. does anybody truly know who they are when we don't even know if this life is real or a perceived figment of every persons imagination. i miss the times when i would smile and think to myself how happy i was when now all i see is darkness when i look forwards and i used to see 20 years ahead of me. life god misconstrued somewhere along the way of trying to be the person i needed and being the person i actually am all while thinking of the person i wanted to be. who am i? i don't know the answer to any of the questions i have but typing all these feelings and headaches down makes it a lot easier to have these thoughts because they bust down on my skull like the heaviest rock falling off a cliff down into open water but that water is so shallow you can see the sharpest edge of the rock and falling down onto it seems like the blissful sleep and peace i have been longing for since i was a mere little girl waiting for my mom to come home.

sometimes i sit and i think to myself about the things i could of been the different lives and personas that i could of led instead of being in this hell house i call a bed inside my head in this building we built in our time of need with money that we were given like it was gods will for us to be but then it all came down with holes in the walls and broken down doors the yelling the screaming it's all i could endure... and i get off track just like that because every single thought running through this little head of mine always turns to bittersweet misery in the bed i've made myself now i must lie in it. i could of been so much more, the greatest writer or the best therapist in the world but instead i took my knowledge and placed it to the side while using lines of meth to push the thought of death away. pain is most of what i've known but there's those moments i sit and think about the times i would just smile for no reason sitting under the stars thinking on my life. we were just kids then... but life were so much better than now while we grow into these people these things none of us even recognize anymore.. What would thirteen year old me have to say about the life i have portrayed to be what i've wanted when i don't even know who i am anymore.

does it ever confuse you when you think about the way you've lived or loved or had your life ran by others around in a circle down until you realize this spinning so fast your just digging your own grave into the eyes of the people around you because they will never see you as any different than what you truly are. and that is someone that nobody will ever understand and we look around at glass houses breaking because we see through the things the lines in between we read them like the back of our hand when cheating in class on a test you know you're going to fail but you try anyways so that maybe you can be seen just a little differently than the rest because we all have our little quirks and things that make us unique but with 8 billion people around us we are never truly the only one.

The thought of the past eats away at my thoughts and drives any possibility of happiness away when the thought of your name flashed across my eyes, my mind, in a not so subtle fashion. It drives me absolutely mad that the things we thought we wanted, thought we were, got so lost somewhere along the way of being in love or being in lust.. I'm not even sure anymore what either of those mean. All i know is when i think about your eyes i just get lost in the taste of bittersweet agony because i'm so hurt by the life we have forced onto ourselves while losing the life that i thought we had or wanted or fuck i don't even know anymore. My love for you has been so forceful and hurtful that i don't know if love is even the word to describe the irresistible pull you seem to have on me and my thoughts always drift back to the life we pretended we had in our daydreams. the pain in my heart and the ripping feeling i get in my chest sometimes is just so much to bear that i just collapse and i hurt and i cry. Why? that's the only question that i've had this whole god damn time. why were we never the people that we portrayed ourselves to be when we were fighting so hard for the other person and then drastically changed all of a sudden. it wasn't even gradual it was just painful and in an instant we just were nothing again.