My anarchic mind

One

First. I don't think I'm attracted to men in a sexual way it's more emotional or platonic if anything. In a way men scare me and make me uncomfortable - I usually only see them as a sex fiend or aggressive and abusive.

In my experience with men there have always been more cons than pros.

When it comes to women all the boxes are checked.

In my mind I've told myself I have to be with a man. My vagina doesn't mind dick sometimes, but it's always so awkward and painful or just not satisfying.

I've never learned exactly what I like sexually or romantically. My mind is always in a spin when it comes to sex, love, and affection.

I can talk, and charm, and do good deeds but, I can never reciprocate properly the natural love responses. The normal affection that humans crave.

It usually turns me off or scares me.

In the past I've only seen myself as an object for men and never an equal partner. I see myself as less than when it comes to men or as having a similar nature to men.

When I say this I mean if I was having an out of body experience I'd think of myself as a man maybe because of how men have been portrayed or talked about.

Macho, protectors. Those are qualities I crave for myself. I want to be a man mentally but not physically. I love being a women but I feel as though my mind says that I am male.

I understand when Trans people say they feel trapped in their body because so do I. I also feel as though maybe I think this way because I believe that if I was a man I'd have more power to protect myself from men. Not that every man is out to get me.

To further explain I do not want to be a man I'd just like to have the same qualifications men have.

Thinking this way makes my brain go haywire.

Although, I know I have great qualities I always seem to think there is something missing and I'm constantly trying to search for it. I know that I'm missing the part of myself where I feel safe or like I can protect me.

Other people have portrayed me as gullible which I have been and can be. It's never intentional but my mind weakens and I let my guard down because I so desperately want everyone to like me.

My biggest fear may very well be having "enemies". I constantly go down a mental list of people who may dislike me for some reason. Even if I have not intentionally done something to wrong them. I know I have in some way.

Now, this makes me want to hunt those people down and fix my so called "wrong-doings". How can I fix something if I don't know what's broken? Especially when what's broken is me.

I know that I am not literally broken but there is always a small thought in the back of my mind that tells me I'm doing something wrong. This warning always goes off in my mind.

I know a mental health professional would call it a trigger. Which is exactly what I call it.
I've learned to be brutally honest about everything because it helps me to be honest with myself and more accepting and comfortable with me.

I am literally always battling myself. I am my own best friend. This I know.

I talk to myself- not out loud, but I am always having a conversation in my head. I tend to zone out a lot and my thoughts run on even when I'm resting. I don't even get a break in my dreams.

My dreams are always all over the place, upfront, and brutal.
I'm not trying to go to war with myself but I am inevitably always in battle.