Well, this chapter is gonna be a bit wild.
This is gonna be the place where I make a rant about how I'm feeling and stuff.
Expect it to be updated every now and then.
First of all: This will be covering some uh, actually serious topics here.
Second of all: Yes, I'm fine. I am okay and won't and never will commit suicide.
Okay. Here we go.
So, if you were trapped in a burning building, and could save a group of people and/or animals but, you have to sacrifice yourself to do so, who would those people or animals be and why.
Some people would say like; their family or friend group.
For me, I have 5 people that I would sacrifice myself for.
Now let's take it up a notch. If you had to convince yourself to not jump of a building, would you still bring up that group of People?
I don't really know how to explain this, but whenever I'm feeling down I think of 5 people that would miss me if I'm gone.
3 of those people probably don't even remember me nowadays, but if I ever meet them again, I want to thank them. I want to keep trucking to maybe speak to them again.
1 of those "people" is my cat. She would 100% miss me if I went missing or the other more depressing thing.
The last 1 person, I can't say. It's someone who will definitely see this. Thanks, if you are seeing this Lp.
I genuinely feel like there's a god that loves torturing me somewhere. My life has been filled with way too many coincidences for it to be normal.
So many times; something had happened to me, and before I can try to tell someone about it, someone else says the same thing.
And because my brain is scrambled worse than a smoothie, I would just feel bad asking for help after that.
I wonder sometimes if whatever higher power is up there just has an inside joke with the other gods, with me being the punchline.
An example that happened recently was: My cat died last month, on Valentine's Day. It wasn't fun, to say the least.
But, when I went to school the next day, 3 occurrences happened that almost completely broke me emotionally.
One: We have a board at the school that shows a little motivational poster or phrase that changes every few weeks. It was replaced with a bunch of photos of people posing with their pets, with the caption of "Paw-sitive attitudes"
Two: I learned about strokes, although the class I was in was math. Guess what was the cause of my cat dying.
Three: Someone who creates really good music, made a song called "Missing you".
It surprises me how much life seems to beat me till I almost die and then stops.
It hurts to live. Not in a poetic way just, every day hurts.
Every time I wake up there's a new pain in my body and I don't know why.
It's not even just a morning thing, the entire day I hurt.
I'm lucky if I get an hour without some part of me in pain
I'm too afraid of becoming addicted to painkillers to take them
I'm terrified of joining communities.
Every time I join a community, it always goes down the drain.
No matter what I try: Just watch from the sidelines or become a main member, it falls apart.
But maybe that's for the best.
I don't deserve to be loved. I'm a useless leech on everyone I meet.
I hate myself. I wish I could be anyone else.
Why was I given the worst personality ever.
I'm just split on everything. And I mean everything.
It isn't just with decisions. Both introverted and extroverted, both crippling depressed and insanely happy.
Genuinely, I wish I knew how to change myself to something better.
