transparent saints // jack johnson

f i f t e e n

What's your name son?
What time did you arrive at the scene?
What was your reasoning for coming over?

The voices of the curious policemen were faded over the song still playing in my mind. The song that began only seconds after I discovered Chloe.

All the leaves are brown
And the sky is gray
I've been for a walk
On a winter's day
I'd be safe and warm
If I was in L.A
California Dreamin'
On such a winter's day

She used to always talk about California and how warm it was. How happier she was there when visiting her aunt, away from her parents and their constant fights. I remember one time she came to me crying about how her dad hit her mom and her mom did nothing about it except cook dinner hours later. I had snuck her into my room and let her stay the night where she cried herself to sleep in my arms; loathing the next day when she'd have to return home.

Funny thing life is. You don't think about the beginning until it's the end. Puts things into perspective. No matter what these cops were asking, no matter how monotone and straight forward my answers and alibis were, I still felt responsible for her death. She told me. She told me she had no one. I was too busy being pissed off that I completely disregarded the darkness that was buried deep inside her. I knew...this entire time...yet I pushed her to the edge anyway. The surface of me only paid attention to the surface of her. That same surface that was always covered in big name brands and expensive attitudes; it did a great job with hiding the Chloe I first met. She used to be depressed all the time. Her grades sucked, her acne was in full effect, and she used to get teased. I had wondered if her encounter with Cassie triggered old painful memories.

The unsettling feeling already in my stomach had gotten worse once her body was rolled past me covered in the paramedic white linen and strapped down around her shoulders, waist, and ankles. Immediately I ran to the kitchen sink and threw up. Moments later, my parents showed up. As soon as my mother embraced me, I broke down in her arms. Her arms were the first things I could literally feel that didn't feel threatening. She kept touching my face and asking if I was okay. I found it hard to say anything at all.

_____

I was cleared by the cops and found myself at a diner with Gilinsky and Sammy. We hadn't told the girls yet. To be honest, none of us wanted that responsibility. We sat in silence, trying to collect our thoughts and make sure that tonight was real.

"Did she leave a note?" Sammy asked.

"Yeah but the cops wouldn't let me touch it," I spoke quietly. "Said it was evidence. It was written on a pink index card. She always loved pink."

Gilinsky's eyes fell and he shook his head. "This doesn't make sense."

"Makes perfect sense," I quickly replied. "I knew about that side of Chloe long before you guys did."

"What about her parents?" Gilinsky asked.

"They were called," I answered. "They're on their way back from Bellevue."

"I can't imagine what they're going through," said Sammy, resting his head on his fists.

"Alright boys," said the waitress who approached our table. "What can I get for you."

"Blueberry pancakes for me," Gilinsky ordered.

"I'll have the same," Sammy stated. "But extra blueberries on the side, please?"

"And for you, darling?" She asked me.

I looked up at her for the first time. She looked no older than 50, jet black hair pulled back to reveal her round cheeks, and a prominent mole on her upper lip. And she had the kindest green eyes.