Jai's ranting

The rock in my shoe

Do you ever feel like crying your heart out and yelling until your throat can't handle it anymore? Well, that's basically every day of my life; except for when I'm at school. Crazy I know but there I can forget my troubles and lose myself in whatever the teachers are teaching or in my friends. Life at the moment feels just like the small rock in your shoe that annoys the hell out of you when you're trying to walk. It doesn't kill you, but it makes your life impossible. At first, it is easy to ignore it, it's not much and you don't feel like taking off your shoes and fixing the problem; but over time it can make you feel like if cutting off your foot would fix the problem you would be willing to do it. And it's crazy because when you finally decide to take off your shoe and take out the rock, it's so small that you can't even understand why it was so annoying.

That small rock is my home, I might not have the worst home ever and at the beginning, I couldn't see the problem but over time I started to feel as if what I had to do was run away from school, and live in the streets so I wouldn't have to go back again ever, I wouldn't mind doing that at all. I don't remember when it started, but I feel like it was probably around the time my parents realized they had completely neglected my siblings and me for at least five years. They decided less than a year ago that they wanted to rebuild the relationship they had with us before the incident happened. I understand that they both needed healing and they needed to find themselves and fall in love again so I really don't blame them for neglecting me (them fighting all the time like they did right after it happened wouldn't have made it any better, they didn't fight in front of use but you could hear if you didn't go to sleep early enough or walked into the wrong room at the wrong time).

They are happy again and that's great for them, I love them and I will forever be their child because they made me. What I can't get behind is them trying to make themselves my parent's again, let me word that differently, them trying to make me let all the decisions of my life up to them and following new rules they made up because they don't like the person I grew up to be. For example, I don't have a phone at the moment ( meaning I'm not allowed to text anybody and I can only make calls after asking for permission and with the door of my room open so they can listen to the conversation, and they listen) because they don't trust my ability to make my own friends, I have to report all I do to them and they need to know the names and faces of everyone I hang out with. That might be normal parenting or not, but I'm simply not used to that since I haven't had their guidance in anything in years, and I learned to differentiate between genuine and fake people and good and bad friendships by trial and error.

My mom also stopped working now so she can drive me to school and pick me up every day. She wants to see who I talk to and prevent me from saying anything I guess. It's so frustrating! I can't stay in my room, especially if I want to use my computer. I have to stay in the living room or the dining room all the time. I'm the kind of person that loves spending time alone. I love reading or listening to music in my room but I'm not allowed to do that anymore. I'm not allowed to listen to music anymore unless it is what they play which let me tell you that their music makes me want to jump off a bridge (it's just really, really annoying). The music thing is a lot more recent, they went through my phone and text message while I was sleeping and didn't like that I was "talking about my home life in a bad way" with my friends and that I listened to metal music (This was like three weeks ago).

I don't think I've done anything wrong, if I have please tell me what because I can't seem to find what it is. I understand that as a parent you're worried but when you leave your kid to fend off alone when they're 12 and try to come back at 17 there are some things you can't change (My parents did feed me and send me to school, but I didn't hear from them besides that). Then there's the issue about me liking girls, they found out about that three weeks ago when they went through my phone, they are not supportive and decided I have a demon, and that is what's making me think this way. 

I honestly don't dwell much on it, because I'm only a semester away from freedom and there's nothing they can do about it, I'm hopeful for the future and I'm sorry for my parent's but I stopped giving them the power to make me feel miserable a few years ago after I personed up and told my dad I was suicidal and he said I shouldn't do it because people were going to think bad of our family (Till this day he denies the conversation and says that if it did happen he was possessed by a demon at the moment, so I shouldn't hold it against him). So I'm honestly ready to take the rock out of my shoe, it will hurt to take them out of my life for at least a little so I can heal but I don't want to go insane. And I'm looking forward to my life and the friends and family I might make.

- Jai

(There's no reason for the unset I just really like it) :)