the end of a chapter

a goodbye

I think I've run my course as a writer here in Wattpad... and it feels strange to say that.

I've been on this app since 2018 (like actually, since I made an account in 2015 or something but didn't bother using it) and I'd say I'm proud of how much I've grown on this app as a person.

In 2018 I was a writer that just spat out books out of my butt and just continued on doing so until the start of 2019 when I burnt myself out for the first time, that shit sucked, and I stayed away for most of the year, occasionally writing a story or two.

Come 2020, I promised myself I'd be better... but miss rona happened and I thought it would be a way to force myself to write more since classes were cancelled early in the year for us. Surprise, surprise I took another hiatus...

Then in June that year I got really fired up to write, I asked a bunch of you guys to send me random prompts, and I let you down.

Ideas flowed through my head like a river, several titles that never got to see the light of day, some I was even proud of. Those prompts plus my own original ideas already had the first chapters written for it.

I'll write the titles down for you peeps:

Pants-sexual
Seasons (Naruto fanfic)
Devil's Gaze
The Queerpocalypse (Org XIII/KH fic)
An Experiment Body Swap (Not really titled, but I had a notebook of notes for the characters)
DTF (Down to Fluff)
CAREN University
Labeled
Kinktober Ace Attorney

By the titles of some of them, you could probably see they were satire or crack fics, but I enjoyed the concept of all of them enough to write a first chapter.

Still, that doesn't alleviate from my biggest writing regret yet, "Imperfect Smile". I cannot tell you how much I love the characters I made for this story, Cinder, Shira, Alex, and Taylor, and I kid you not when I say I have 3-4 chapters waiting in the back that I wrote but haven't edited yet.

The concept was given to me by Shiraia, who I'm not going to @ since I don't want to force her to read it. But I'm sorry I failed you. The last chapter I worked on was in February last year, and I had my reasons, which are the same reasons why I haven't made a new chapter for Code;Pain, if you've read the new update, then you already know why, but let me iterate why.

I was not fucking okay. And I know I write a lot of angsty shit on this platform, but I shit you not I was not a pretty sight. Panic attacks, mental breakdowns, anxiety attacks, you name it I probably had it once at a minimum in a week back then. Every week I'd be in call with my close friend who also edits for me, and I'd be in fucking tears on her.

That was the lowest point I got until one day I was literally about to pull the plug on myself, I was gonna call my friend one last time and fucking shattered.

The same scenario happened for months on end, I disappeared from everywhere I was just stuck in my room hoping that the nightmare will end, that someone would just end it all already, but it never came.

The last published chapters of Code;Pain were me forcing myself to write because nothing else was normal in my life. And looking back at those two stories brings back the pain of those months for me.

And I know that some will say some people are suffering more than me, and that's probably true, but if that's how we're gonna be, then that's basically saying I can't feel bad for myself because I have shitty parents while some people don't even have any. What am I supposed to feel? They treat me like garbage and disrespect my beliefs and a lot of people want me to be grateful that they raised me?

Look, I'm sorry this turned into a self pity montage, but it's true, 2021 has not treated any of us well.

But yeah, I'm better now, certainly not out of depression but better still.  I do think bringing up talk of invalidation due to someone being worse of than them is a good thing, because people use that argument all the time, and people should know that their suffering isn't irrelevant just because some people have it worse

Getting back on topic...

I regret not finishing those works but it hurts to look at them, so yeah... there's my excuse.

I would also like to address that I want to apologise to everyone for everything I've done, especially the friends I've met on this platform like Star and Farah for all I've done wrong to them.

This site has been a wonderful home,yet no longer do I feel at home here through the constant disappearances I've done(?).

Moving forward, I do think my time in Wattpad is coming to a close, whether that means me just deleting the app or my account, I don't know yet.

I'm tired... and well... I think this is goodbye to all of you, to everyone who's supported me and read my books, thank you, from the depths of my heart, truly.

Thank you all so much, and maybe for the last time~

MitsuSenpai, signing off.

(This isn't to say I won't be writing anymore, it's just that I'll be (I've been) writing in AO3 now under the same username, and feel like it's time to move on from Wattpad)