No Control

1

When I was a child I remember being lonely and wanting to be loved. I remember taking on the responsibility of raising my little sister since I was 8, that's when I decided I never wanted to be a mother. I didn't really have a choice, no one else was going to do it. My mom worked at the local restaurant during the day and picked up night shifts at the post office just so Renee and I had food to bring to school for lunch. It wasn't exactly the life she wanted to give us, but it was our life and that's what was important to her. That she was doing it by herself without anyone telling her she was doing a bad job. I didn't see my mom often. When Renee and I would wake up in the morning for school she would be passed out on the couch still in her uniform from the night before, messy hair and wreaking like cigarette smoke. There would be a note on the table saying she loved us and that there were sandwiches in the fridge for our lunch. Almost every day was the same thing. Chicken salad sandwiches left over from the restaurant. I would grab an apple sauce and package of chips for Renee and off to the bus stop we went.

We lived in a 1 bedroom trailer. Renee and I shared a room and mom slept on the pull out couch. It was small and cramped but it was home. The kitchen was barely a kitchen and the bathroom was falling apart and being taken over by black mould. The tan carpet was stained and the forest green wall paper peeling away from the walls from the years of cigaret smoke and abuse. If only these walls could talk. On Sunday nights when mom was done her shift at the restaurant she would take us to the laundry mat. She would get us a can of pop from the convince store and scratch tickets. I mostly did my homework while Renee played with her barbie and mom fed her gambling addiction.

The trailer was her uncles. He lived there for 15 years before he finally went to jail for selling meth. The trailer had its quirks. Hidden stash places behind pictures on the wall, a safe under the tub in the bathroom, a bookshelf that was filled with hollow books and knives. The day we moved in mom cleaned the place from top to bottom making sure the place didn't looking like a crack den. She was so excited to finally have a more permanent place after she left our dad.

Before the trailer was my moms uncles it belonged to a man named Craig. Craig lived in the trailer on his brothers property for around 20 years. He had pit bulls that he trained to dog fight. The carpet was stained brown from the remains of blood. Craig also had 3 daughters and a girlfriend that he beat. He sexually abused his daughters and his girlfriend Brandy knew what was happening but was too scared to say anything. He eventually murdered Brandy in the trailer while his three girls watched. He then raped them one last time before he called the police and turned himself in. The three sisters were separated and placed in foster care and Craig went to jail where he lived on death row for 6 years before he finally was put to death. Dan, my moms uncle, won the trailer in a police auction and got it for $1700 as is. And that's exactly how it still is today, as is. I remember overhearing our grandfather tell my mom this story the night he told her we could move into the trailer because Dan was finally in jail.

We lived in the trailer with the same routine for 3 years before I turned 18 and mom kicked me out because I told her I wasn't going to pay rent. Renee was was 12 and still believed our mom was a good person even though I was the one raising her for the last 10 years. So at 18 I was living on the streets with nothing but the clothes on my back and a pair of running shoes that had holes.

22 and still homeless, addicted to prescription pills and a stripped who has bulimia. It was a life I wasn't proud of but this is the hand God dealt me and I had to live with my choices.

Most people think that strippers make good money, and I'm sure in some places they do. But when you live in a small town with the same creepy pervs that come in every night and sit there for hours and only give you a $20 and on top of that you spend all your money on pills, you never have enough for the necessities of life. The club I worked at had showers and laundry on site so that took care of that problem. But when it was time to go home I went down to the local park and slept in the tunnel of the play ground for a few hours. When the sun would start to rise I would make my way to Dunkin Donuts a few blocks away and sit there drinking the same coffee for hours before they would finally tell me to leave. It was the same routine everyday. I felt stuck. I felt alone. I missed my sister. And all I wanted was to be taken care of for once in my life.

One night a man I had never seen before came into the club and sat down in front of the stage. I smiled at him and began to try harder. I knew I had to make at least $60 that night to be able to buy oxy the next morning. He smiled back at me and threw a ten dollar bill on the stage.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Steph." I replied.

"What time are you done?"

I hesitated. "Tonight I'm done whenever I want to leave."

"I'd like to take you for dinner. You look exhausted and hungry." His green eyes traced the outline of my body. He was right. I was exhausted and hungry. I hadn't ate in 3 days and the weather was starting to get cold and the tunnel made of metal froze my thin body making sleep almost impossible.

"I'll go get changed." I walked back to the dressing room and put on a green oversized hoodie and a pair of black leggings, the fanciest outfit I owned.

We sat down and the waitress brought us the menus and water. That's when the internal battle began about food. Do I order and eat as much as possible so I can purge in the bathroom before we leave, or do I get something small to avoid the bloat and stomach pain. I began to sweat.

"Order whatever you want." He said as he continued to look at the all day breakfast options. Our eyes met and I was memorized by the shade of green. Being taken care of him seemed so right. That was the first time I ate until I was full and didn't purge afterwards. I wanted to be someone he wanted. Someone healthy and beautiful. Someone who had their life together and wasn't an addict. We stayed at the 24 hour restaurant until the church crowd came in. We joked about their large hats and ordered even more food. That was the day I feel in love with Bryan.