I was there once

Sunsets and Sunrises

Sunsets are sad. 

Because it's the time where the day ends.

The sun was setting when I realized I really did loved her. I've always taken the love she gave for granted. Siguro nasa isip ko kasi, hindi naman siya mawawala. She'll always be there for me, until she wasn't.

Ako talaga ang may kasalanan, ako ang nagpahirap sa amin eh kahit wala namang naging kami.  We were never official and that's the bitter part. 

Time with her was like looking in a rose-colored glass. It was magical, full of smiles, that I couldn't see how hers fade away while mine was still plastered like a fool. 

Ang kasalanan ko lang naman ay lumaban ako kahit ayaw na niya. Hinigpitan ko hawak ko kahit gusto niya na kumawala. 

"Aiah please let me go. Ayoko na talaga, I'm so sorry."

Sakit sa puso ng nagmamakaawa siya para bitawan ko siya kasi parang napamukha sakin na ang pagmamahal ko ay nakakasakal. Napaisip ako na Bakit?  Ano nangyari? Bakit ayaw niya na ako tanggapin? Why can't she accept my love again?

We were at the rooftop then, taking our last talk. I tried till the end, I asked her "Maloi, wala na ba talaga? Kahit konti, konting chance lang na pwede pang ituloy? Please." The way my words were getting quieter and quieter knowing from her face that there was no chance at all, she made her decision.

Our story was always composed of the good parts, always. Maybe that's why I didn't see it coming. 

Her eyes were so sad, she looked like she was hurting as well. Seeing that made my heart swell because clearly both of us were hurting. 

I had no doubt that she did reciprocated my feelings, after all she was the first one who fell but sadly also the first one to stand up and leave.

So I nodded, defeatedly, I didn't say anything else and let her leave.

Palubog na ang araw at nasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na wow mahal na mahal ko siya, ang sakit pala. Ang sakit pala talaga, ni hindi ko nga kinayang tignan kung paano siya dere-deretsong umalis lang sa rooftop. Hindi man lang siya lumingon, she did not looked back at all. 

I sighed shakily. Napa sigaw ako, napa hagulhol. Wala na siya. 

Sobrang tahimik kapag gabi. Naisip ko kung may makakarinig ba sakin kung tatalon ako mula sa rooftop na 'yon. Tas bigla ako natawa ng may tumutulong luha sa mata ko.

Nababaliw na ako. 

"Nababaliw ka na ba?!"

That voice was so familiar.

It wasn't Maloi.

"Mikha."

"Anong ginagawa mo diyan?! Get down from the edge Aiah!"

Mikha looked really angry and I don't like it when she's angry. She can be really intimidating.

But right now she does not look intimidating, I could see the worry in her eyes. I could feel it, her warmth that extends to me. 

I smiled at her, "Mikha, my best friend. My person." My smile felt so broken, it wasn't familiar on my face.

"Aiah, come here please. Baba na tayo." Mikha pleaded and let out her arms.

"Wala na siya Mikhs. Wala ng pagasa."

"Wala na siya pero may pagasa pa kapag bumaba ka diyan." 

I turned my back at her and looked at the night sky for a moment. Wala naman talaga akong balak tumalon, napaisip lang ako pero hindi ko susukuan sarili ko.

Dahan dahan akong bumaba at lumapit kay Mikha. She hugged me immediately when I got to her. 

No words were spoken but I could feel how fast her heartbeat was, I guess from worrying and being anxious. 

"Don't do that again. Don't make me worry." Mikha mumbled and tightened her hug aound me.

"I won't"

Hinatid ako ni Mikha sa bahay and she stayed saying she'll take care of me. Sobrang swerte ko dahil nandiyan siya. Umorder si Mikha ng food, nilibang niya ako. She tried to distract me from my overwhelming thoughts.

I don't feel right. I felt so broken. I don't know how to fix myself, I don't know how to fix a fresh wound.

Nakakapagod, sobrang nakakapagod ng ganito ang nararamdaman. Hindi ako makatulog.

But I felt Mikha's arms around me, hugging me again. I cried, because at that moment I felt like I can go through it with her beside me. 

I fell asleep embracing her warmth.

And then I realized, sunrises are hopeful. 

Because it's the time where the day begins.

"Good morning." I turned and saw those familiar eyes brimming with love. It was Mikha looking at me sleepily with a smile.

"You okay?" She tucked in some strands of my hair behind my ear. I nodded, yes.

Napatitig ako sakaniya. 

Paakyat pa lang ang araw nagising ako, katabi si Mikha. Naalala ko kung paano niya ako alagaan, kung paano niya ako sinamahan kahit saan. Masaya o malungkot nandiyan siya. I knew how her eyes speak when we're together. Ever since, I know her feelings and I ignored it for our friendship.

I won't take advantage of that but I'm going to make sure she's appreciated. And if sometime in the future when I'm whole again, if by then I can reciprocate then I will. Because if I'm going to love again, I would want it if it's her.

Her eyes and her feelings were so loud it was mirroring her actions. I was there once. I knew how it felt.

I was there once and I know I'll be there again. I know I'll learn how to move on from the pain and love again fully with my whole heart. All of it, I would want it to be given to Mikha.