An Unknown Destiny

                                                                     Why did you leave me?

Why did you break my heart?

                                                                   Why am I still restless?

Why do I always remember you?

Why do I expect you to return?

I was at the center of the stage. There was a lot of clapping, applauding and cheering around me. A big golden trophy was placed into my hand. I was so astonished. Could this be for real? No, it can never be, not for me; I am not that lucky and I don't have any lucky charm or talisman with me. However this was the most pleasant time of my life. Yes! No one can stop me from dreaming.

My now gray hair turns brown and then black as I stand on the narrow roads and streets of the places where I had seen the best and worst of life. I often ask myself the question: Why me? A one room home grew up to be a two room flat and finally a very big bungalow. Everything reminded me of a lot of happiness and also a great deal of pain. I remember each and every moment of my children's little hands growing into bigger ones, little legs taking small steps and then leaping up, taking giant leaps. Frankness, which was one quality of the kids, went into secrecy and advises which went far away. However, deep down, the thought that I could always depend on my children in whatever situation, at whatever times proved wrong. Today my kids blame me for everything — even though I am not the one who initiated anything that was wrong. Children often target the "safe" parent during bad times because they know that a weak parent will love them no matter what and will keep holding onto them and that is what happened in my life.

My marriage ended primarily due to my partner's behavior and after all these years my children's misdirected anger makes me feel depressed, guilty, and resentful. And I decided that the next time my kids tell me that I have ruined their lives, I will not go down the hold of despair. Instead, I will take a deep breath and laugh it off because I know that they too know what I have gone through for their sakes. Even if the children know that their father is an addict and was abusive to me, now that he is doing well, my kids blame me for divorcing their father. I am having separation anxiety from my one child. It's been five years now that I haven't seen him or spoken to him and the other two kids too have gone far away from me and we hardly communicate. I'm missing out on being a mother to all of them, and depression is getting worse for me. I really don't know how to get my life back on track. I am really a lost mother. 'God couldn't be everywhere so He created Mothers' it is said but my children became so practical that they used their mother just like a big ladder on which they could climb to success. Perhaps this is the way of the world. I feel as a mother and wife one should never expect anything from anybody, especially a mother from her children and a wife from her husband.

What I am writing might seem like a fairy tale to many, but if one goes deep into it, this little true story will help you in the long and tedious journey of life, An Unknown Destiny which is always lurking in and around our lives.

Part One

When my marriage ended, I was hurt for a long time. We had been together for twenty years and I thought we were going to be together for life. There were tears and moments of fear and also times of depression. I thought things would get better through time but even now today after sixteen years of separation, I am still tormented by fear and depression. I just couldn't believe that this separation would affect me so badly. I could hardly think straight nor could do the simplest things. I felt useless and a total failure. It was not just that my partner had dumped me it was that I couldn't really face a life without him till the end of my life. I felt the transition from being to being alone devastating. When the relationship ended, it was difficult to make sense of what happened and why? It was difficult to cope up with my feelings. I just wanted to stand up after a big fight, dust myself off and walk on. But I got stuck. The experience was so painful, so overwhelming that I crumbled; I couldn't move on and resume my life. The breakup really broke me up.