Frozen freedom

Disgusting

I always wish that time would go by slower, like it could just stop for a while.
Life is filled with many challenges and tasks and 24 hours isn't enough time to get it all done.
I spend most nights in the dark, working.
Work was always my comfort zone, it keeps me just busy enough to not worry about all the stresses of life.

I wake up late, like I do everyday. I scramble to put on my uniform and rush out the door, in a hurry I forget to tie my shoes and end up tripping on the cement.
"Wow there buddy, you ok??" A small hand grips my shoulder.
I stand up and dust off my knees, "yea yea I'm fin-"
I look up and make eye contact with the guy who just watched me fall.
My heart pounds and I'm not sure if it's because I just fell flat on my face or if it's striking almost sliver blue eyes.
"Yea I'm fine!" I say sternly and push past him.
"Ok good!" He yells after me and I see his shadow waving goodbye.
"God what a fucking weirdo" I say to myself.
I could never understand people who were always so peppy like that, like what do they have to be so happy about? I mean I know most people have a reason to smile unlike me but he was just a ball of sunshine even just walking down the street (it almost makes me sick to my stomach)

I groan, although work is better than sitting home alone letting my imagination get the better of me it's still not "fun."
With a deep breath I push open the door, the bell rings making my already aching head start to pound.
"Morning Shane!" Jackie beams, a big white smile plastered on her face.
"Morning" I say with a long sigh, rubbing my head.
"God Shane did u go out to the saloon again?" She asks, her happy demeanor quickly changes to one of worry.
"It's none of your business!" I huff, walking behind the counter.
"Shane, I'm worried about you..." she lays her hand on my shoulder "I'M FINE!!" I snap jerking away from her
"don't you have work to do!?" Jackie's breathing quickens, she runs off into the dining room.
"Fuck!" I set my face down on the counter, I feel a ball in my throat. "I'm such an asshole"
I whimper to myself, holding back my urge to burst into tears. I always wanna be nice to people but I can't, they're always up in my business or they're just too "cheery." I can't stand people who try to be up in my grill, it always gives me the perfect opportunity to tell them things on my mind, but the fear of judgement always gets in my way. I keep laying my head on the counter, the winter weather makes it colder than ice but it feels nice on my aching head.

Ding, ding~
The bell of the front door dings, I stand up and do the best to make myself look like I'm ready to work.
"Hey Mr.Shane!" Jas greeted me as usual, her warm smile was the only one I could bear.
"Hey jas!" I do my best to sound enthusiastic.
"Guessing your mom gave you a few coins to buy a cookie huh?" I chuckle to myself
"mhmm!" She giggles loudly and I grab a cookie from the self
"a red velvet for the young lady" . I present the cookie to her and she happily takes it.
She reaches into her little coin purse and starts to pull out some coins
"don't worry, in the house." Jas shows a huge grin
"thank you Mr.Shane!!" She quickly dash's out of the cafe happy as a clam.
I remember when I was a kid, so carefree and vibrant with energy, I miss that. Everyday was an adventure and I was always ready for anything. Now it's hard to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I sigh, it sounds so stupid but it's really how life is, you know? Childhood spirit dies out so quickly and is replaced with millions of responsibilities of the "real world."

The work day moves quickly, the cafe stays almost completely empty besides from a few usuals and before I know it, it's closing time.
I looked around the store, Jackie had left hours ago so i was all alone.
Closing was always the most bittersweet time of the day, on one hand i didn't have to work anymore but on the other i had to be alone with my thoughts
undistracted
After unplugging all the equipment and tossing all of the old bread and pastries, I start packing up my things. I pat both of my pockets before almost walking out the door.
"Shit" I reach into my pockets and realize I lost my wallet.
God it's too late to spend time looking for it, the bar isn't open all night.
I look around in a panic thinking I left my wallet on the counter but In my scurry I make eye contact with the cash register.
Without really thinking I walk behind the counter and open the register. I pull out a 20 dollar bill and quickly shove it into my pocket. I slam the register shut and speed walk out of the store.
Eminently shame washes over me, I can believe I would do something so horrible. Chest filling in black, tears stream down my face

"I'm disgusting"