raging love

5. PILLOW FIGHTS & WHISKEY

I seriously can't wait to leave this mass funeral. It is too much to take. I planned purposely to arrive late and of course I plan on leaving as soon as I put my handful of dirt on the last casket. Final good bye to my husband and our daughter. If I don't leave early I know I'd fall into their grave, forevermore. Gone. I already feel gone. I just want to be alone. I don't want to be here but I will put up a good front to convince all here that I am OK. That I've made it and will be fine. But under this mask I wear lies a broken shattered mirror with no reflection. I slammed my fist in my mirror to stop this insanity. This isn't happening to me; it's happening to someone else. I feel myself floating away with each step back to his truck. Destination unknown. Our house is empty. I paid a property management firm to undertake my transition. Empty my house. Clear it out. Rent a motel room for one and I will wait for sweet release, which ever form it comes. I await escape, bitter escape.

After hand shakes and loads of consolations I wave good bye to my friends and extended family. All of my siblings are out of state unable to be with me but that's ok. That's how I want it. I just want to be alone.

I find myself driving for what seems forever. There is a lonely motel on the freeway so I pull in and park. In the back of the truck is a box of pictures, a rubber-maid of baby toys and her hand maid crafts and cards and of course our wedding album. Those items I could not part with. On the front seat sits my duffle bag of clothes and on the floor is a bottle of whiskey and a case of beer. My room is already rented in my name, paid for and the key card already in my purse, thanks to my Realtor and cousin Erin. I picked up the booze knowing full well I'd probably need it. I've never being much of a drinker. A few sips usually takes me away to that special place called barf palace. Just not meant to be but for tonight? A special night to commemorate the planet Denial. That's the place I want to be because feelings, emotions are more painful than an hang-over. Decisions decisions. I open up a bottle of beer and take a sip. Boy that's gross. But instantly I feel warm all over. For the first time since I sat in my garden my body feels warmth. And the buzz takes the guilt of being alive away; that's all this lady needs. Besides maybe that dilapidated bar connected to my motel. Sheesh. Might as well look for a glass of wine, or two.

As soon as I find a seat at the cleanest table the bouncy waitress comes over. "Watcha having Hunny? Looks like you need a stiff one. Hard day?"

"You could say that. Give me a double of bourbon on ice."

"You got it Tootz." she smiles chomping on a pretty big wad of gum. I slip my jacket off and stick my key card in it's pocket with my truck keys and cell.

Within seconds a tall glass sits in front of me. And I grab it barely breathing, I slam it. "Keep it coming." As my finger taps the table. As soon as she looks into my eyes she knows. She knows my pain is deep. Her face softens and she brings me the bottle and sits down. The bar is quiet other than a few people playing pool, a group at the dart board and a bunch of guys watching the opening season of baseball. The only time she leaves the table is to get me more ice or to take other's orders.

"Gonna charge my phone. I'll grab you something to eat." She mumbles to me.

"Meh." is all I can mutter. Out of no where the booze hits me. Finally I feel nothing. Finally I have peace.

"Oh honey. You're drooling. Sit up. Drink this coffee. You're not driving are yah?"

"Nah. Grab me a beer." I grumble. Having the urge to listen to music I slowly stagger to the juke box. Unable to read the song list I decide to play the gamble and hit any button my fingers find.

Nothing plays. Damn it. With renewed anger I continue to hit the buttons until finally I feel someone staring at me.

"Need some help?"

I try to turn around but my body doesn't listen to my mind and I can't believe it but I fall to my side and hit the ground.

"Woah there little Darling. Let me help you up."

"I'm fine." I stick my tongue out instead of trying to talk to the stranger. Jerk.

"Um. Do you think you might need that shoe that's sitting there by the music box?" he asks me.

"Phfft. You want it? You got it." And dumb and dumber picks it up and aims for stranger's head.

"Hey? Stop that or I might have to cut you off Girl-friend!" shouts the bar maid.

"Oops." And for some reason I find myself laughing uncontrollably. Again. Geesh.

"Give meh my shooo." I mumble and seat my self by the pool table. She passes me my shoe and eventually I finally put it on. As soon as I stand up I decide I need fresh air. I have to go. I need to be outside, like now.

Once I pass the shrubs I try to focus my eyes to find my truck or the direction to my motel room. That's when everything starts to spin. The bushes are calling my name. I lunge forward and hold my knees to keep my balance as my body purges out all the eighty percent proof alcohol. Gawd. When will it end. Then the black-out kicks in. Bye-bye world. I think I'm dying.

"I've fed on the waitress so many times. Maybe the little philly is in her car. Can she drive?" As I walk out the doors the scent hits me. She is wasted and is ralphing her lungs out. Eww. But there is something about her that I'm drawn to. "What you celebrating there little Darling?" I ask her as I lend a hand to steady her swaying body.

"Death." she mumbles.

"You're celebrating death?"

"Yeah. What's it to you and get your hands off me."

She turns and looks up at me with her tender brown eyes. I look right into them and the urgency to hold her takes over. I can't help but think, "All I want is life and you want death?"

"Honey darling, I disagree with you but I'll help you out."

"KK." She cries and leans her head on my shoulder. Her body convulses with withheld tears.

She's so close to death I can smell it.

His scent is familiar. He smells of him. Cold. Distant yet in my hands his body stands. I must be dreaming. I must be having a night mare.

She just collapsed in my arms. Passed out. Shit. What should I do?