To Sum it Up

Always runner up, or never on the list at all

They say life's no fun without drama.

Without romance or heartbreak, without highs and lows, laughter and cries.

I would agree.

Drama seems to follow me wherever I go, even showing up in my dreams.

Gotta keep life interesting right? What else would I write about in my memoir?

Not that this is it, but this may be a start. Another journal entry in the diary of my life.

I'll spare you the details of my high school experiences: being labeled as a stalker in my freshman year, my first real boyfriend trying to get with my best friend, losing my virginity to my first love in the back of my mom's car with my crocs still on after he biked an hour in the rain to "watch anime in the backseat at 3 am" with me.

No, that was just the beginning of the so-called "drama" in my life.

College.

College is where the real shit is going down.

First-quarter: Started liking the first conventionally attractive, tall, brown curly-headed, green-eyed white boy I laid my eyes on, effectively setting my people back 200 years.

Devin Azor had not an "on purpose" flaw in sight. A bit of a white savior complex, yes. Is his dancing a bit of an ick, oh absolutely. But his genuinity, his loveability, his always trying to do the right thing makes up for it all.

I think this is the only place I can be honest about how I feel towards Devin, though I still don't know what those feelings are per se.

The man is truly beautiful, inside and out. His eyes draw you in like cuts of jade, sparkling when inspired. Hair cascading in defined curls, a sharp nose, and jaw. Towering over everyone as if this New York boy was the Empire State Building himself.

Physically it is almost impossible not to be attracted to him, which is very unfortunate if you've been friend-zoned by him... Which I have.

But it's the way that he cares, about social causes, his family and friends and if the work he's doing is actually going to make a difference.

That's the Devin Azor that makes people fall.

At the time, I didn't know if my liking Devin had been genuinely due to him as a person, or if the idea of this man liking me and being with him was appealing. Like it would have meant I succeeded in life as if he was the ultimate goal or reward that was always unattainable but if I could just have him, I would have been satisfied. Happy, even. Or maybe I had always thought I deserved someone like Devin or at least always wanted someone like him. I've seen the other black girls that looked like me get their fairytale endings with boys that looked like him, and maybe I thought the only way to get mine was to pursue him.

It took some time to get over him, or the idea of him I really couldn't say. Winter break and being away from him for months, even though I was already (or had convinced myself I was) over him at that point, definitely helped to dispel any feelings toward him.

But being back here... Seeing him, talking to him, any interaction at all honestly had been... different. Weird. Absolutely due to my inner turmoil and not knowing how to interact with him anymore after he completely shut my feelings down for him before we left, and the fact that I am still very much physically attracted to him but have no urge to act on it or have it acted upon me.

Devin is a great guy and a great friend. In all honesty, I truly do not think I like him anymore and I do not want to. I can't. Things would get too complicated again and I cannot go back there. Yet, I can't seem to be comfortable around him either. I may be awkward with him for the rest of my life honestly.

And then there's his roommate, Logan. Logan and I quickly became friends while I still had a crush on his roommate, which is ironic really because then he started to crush on mine.

It was obvious really, I mean they started to hang out all the time, she takes care of him when he gets a little too drunk and he even started singing Taylor Swift, Maya's favorite singer.

Logan is loveable in an adorkable way, like a brother you never had. Ridden with anger issues, yes, and drives like a maniac, but still, very loveable.

On a date with a girl here, this girl's first-ever date, he bought her flowers, he took her out somewhere nice and was gentlemanly.

Ideal.

I wouldn't say I started to like Logan, but I felt as if we could be good together, you know? Like a couple that could have made sense. Attainable, within reach, and reason. Besides the fact that he was in love with my roommate, which he didn't confirm until recently.

And like I said, I didn't like Logan. I wanted to, but could never bring myself to.

So why was I lowkey hurt about the events that occurred on that wretched Friday night?

When Logan and I got way too drunk and made out/dry-humped/ grinded/ basically enacted a soft porno on the floor of his apartment in front of all of our friends at a kickback.

We had both admitted it had been bad, a mistake, an accident, but clearly for different reasons.

When I said it, I meant it had been terrible to do it in front of everyone and yes, to do it at all, but honestly, our actions weren't even that bad.

When he said it, it had been in the context of Maya being there, and dry fucking her roommate in front of her would definitely put a wrench in his plans of pursuing her.

I knew that he liked Maya, though, so this wasn't surprising or even hurtful honestly, but the part I had to try so desperately hard to brush off is what he whispered to our friend Jake in the bathroom. Something along the lines of "I like Maya, but that doesn't mean I don't like Taylor... If things don't work out with Maya, there's always Taylor."

And yes. I get it. I was there, I was available. The man was sexually frustrated and needed an outlet and good ole me was there. Yet, how is it that I understand all of this and still feel shitty about being second place? In a competition I didn't even want to be in, let alone knew existed. Why is it that him forgetting the whole night, everything we did, but remembering sleeping next to Maya at the end of it, doesn't hurt me but makes me feel invisible, or, I wish I could come up with another word but honestly just shitty?

I think that situation pretty much sums up my love life, or maybe just how I feel about it. Always runner up, or never on the list at all. Second best. Second rate.

It's hard constantly feeling like you're not good enough for a happy ending or that no one will ever see what you have to offer.

I mean, hell, I go to a PWI. No one here will ever choose me. Want me. It will always be someone else. It always has.

I used to cry over the Devin situation and am on the verge of tears with this one too. Because they both are just representative of my love life or lack thereof.

I will never be chosen first.

I will never be chosen.

The closest I ever got here was stupidly making out with my guy best friend and being asked by a creep at McGee's who had been trying to grind up on my other roommate Rebecca all night if I wanted a pity dance at the end of the night.

This is a fear that I have always had. That I would end up alone, wanted by no one who I wanted. So far, I am being proven right. Unadded by guys who only wanted my body, rejected by my "ideal, dream" person, left for my best friend, reduced to second place for my roommate. The list is long and ever-growing.

There was only one person who truly loved me, and I don't even know if he did. But letting myself believe that he was in love with me was easier on my soul than believing he was lying. Because I don't know if I could handle that being the truth.

So, no, I wouldn't necessarily say my life is fun.

I would say it's sad.