To Sum it Up

An apology to all who have known me

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I am not the perfect person, or even close to being one. I wish that maybe in another life I was the greatest, kindest, most focused, amazing person to have ever lived.

But this is my reality, and I am not those things.

I often wonder how one little thing we do influences the rest of our lives.

If I hadn't been born in Alaska, would I be where I am now?

If I hadn't gone to a performing arts high school, would I maybe have been a psychology major inside on an acting one?

If I hadn't fucked up that one Friday night, would my roommates still be interested in living with me?

I'm sorry.

I know I'm not the cleanliness or the most reliable or the "best roommate ever" and I know that them moving to a place that's closer to their classes is obviously the most convenient option for them but...

It's never going to stop me from thinking that it's my fault. That if I had been better, they would stay.

Why do they never stay?

I am never going to stop thinking that everyone in my life regrets meeting me at some point. Did they regret asking me to go to that party that night, to try the soju, to move in with them?

The questions flood my brain like a never-ending tsunami.

When they told me the news, I didn't want to cry in front of them. They had such a desperate stressed-out look on their face because they didn't want me to think that this meant they didn't want to be friends with me still and I didn't want to make it any harder than it already was. So, instead, I said, "It's fine. I understand. I get it. Don't be so stressed out."

And it is fine, and I do understand.

I wouldn't want to stick around me either.

This all comes after what felt like the longest day of my life and me probably getting ghosted by someone who'd gotten my hopes up about hanging out with.

That's the common theme though, me, always being left alone while everyone else continues on their merry little way.

I want to be better.

I just don't know how.

I don't know where to start or what I'm doing wrong and I feel like the world has it out for me.

My friend said I deserve a little something good for once but I don't think that I do.

What have I done to deserve it?

I sometimes wish everyone would just come right out and say they hate me so I wouldn't have to sit on the edge of my seat always waiting for the ball to drop. 

I want to go home but I don't even know where home is at this point.

I am the problem, and I don't know how to solve me.

And I'm sorry for that